The Roscoe! Report

Ball don't lie.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Roscoe! Report Advertisement Corner

This just in. Nike has some ad geniuses. I know everybody loves the LeBrons. (My favorite: wise LeBron. The man had a quadruple double.) But enough's been said about them. My favorite Nike commercials are the ones that are basically training montages, anyways. It's like watching a little 30 second Rocky movie. The Bittersweet Symphony one from way back (1998!) may or may not have made me cry. That old guy running up the stairs, he's so determined!

Well, Nike has a new training montage commercial, just in time to get my lazy ass off the couch. This time, they're going with the early morning workout motif. The commercial opens with various athletes sleeping soundly. (And alone. Where are the groupies? Do we need to get On The DL on this?) Then the alarms begin to sound. The first are slightly soothing, which amazes me that alarms are made that don't frighten the hell out of me. Then we hear the classic, shrill alarm that greets me every morning. Then the morning workouts begin!
The lights are dramatically turned on at the pool. Tom Brady watches film. (You know its morning because he's eating cereal.) An ocean wave crashes over the camera as a surfer paddles out into the morning ocean. And now the runners. (Part of the reason I love this genre of Nike commercials is that it gets Nike back to its roots. I feel like they get sentimental when they talk about running.) We get some weightlifting Amare. There's brady again, throwing in the snow. (With no gloves! Brady wears gloves in the games, why the hell wouldn't he in practice?) Maria Sharapova? Why so little screen time? The music picks up (AC/DC - Rock and Roll ain't Noise Pollution) and we get some quick cuts. The commercial ends with another shrill alarm and a Just Do It screen graphic.


Classic Nike work. I put these commercials to the Rocky/Vision Quest litmust test. If the commercial makes me want to hit the gym, its effective in my book. I might just buy some Nike products to assist me. Good work, Nike, now I'm off to the IM Building.

Note: I think Nike should put their ad geniuses to work for some uniform design, because I'm pretty sure those folks are going crazy.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I found it very comical last night that during the 2nd half of the Michigan Michigan State game, I received a message from a spartan friend of mind that read, "I don't know who is going to win this game, but this is the worst officiating I have ever seen,"-from Anonymous hibernating spartan fan. At this point in the game, I believe the game was either tied or MSU was still leading by a slim margin. This message told me two things: One, he knew his team was in serious trouble, because he could obviously not predict how the referees would officiate the rest of the game. What he did see, however, was that his team was getting outplayed by what I still consider to be an inferior Michigan team to that of the Spartans. This little message was just some protection, a bullet proof vest if you will, should his top 15 ranked Spartans fall to the Wolverines. He knew I would call him out after the game if he tried using this excuse after the game, so he protected himself from this by doing it during the 2nd half. Sparty, ADMIT IT! YOU GOT OUTPLAYED BY MICHIGAN LAST NIGHT. The spartans were outrebounded by a front line consisting of a 6'9" white guy (tops) with a vertical that can't exceed much more than 20. A 6'11 softy, who should have stuck with those tennis scholarships he was offered out of high school, and another 6'11 beanpole who can't weigh much more than a couple bills. You guys shot 50% from the field while we shot 41%, doesn't that mean you should have outrebounded us? Hmm, just a couple stats to think about. As well as MSU only taking 5 shots from inside the paint in the 2nd half. Some people have questioned Tommy Amaker as a coach, but one thing they can't question is his ability to teach his kids to not foul a jump shooter!

Just deal with sparty fans. It's one game. You lost. You were outplayed by a team that doesn't have the talent you have Quit your bitching, you'll get our chance at us next month, and then possibily again in the Big 10 tourney. In closing, to go along with Tom's picture, I would just like to drop a few a reactions from one very special little sparty

msu wrestle01: http://michiganstate.rivals.com/showmsg.asp?fid=313&mid=67564158&sid=&tid=67564158&style=1
msu wrestle01: look at these videos and tell me its not bullshit
msu wrestle01: look at em
msu wrestle01: just look at the davis one
msu wrestle01: please
Then the obvious reason why U-M won
msuwrestle01: you would too (bitch).....if Izzo sucked the refs dick like Tommy did....WELL SAID MY MAN

Why don't we call the Whaaaambulance?

At Roscoe! Report HQ in Southeastern Michigan, we naturally have some friends who attend Michigan State University. We usually don't like to get personal here at the Roscoe! Report, but a little too much boo-hooing from our Spartan bretheren has necessitated this:


Yes, there was a discrepancy in free throw attempts, but the refs were bad both ways. (The Graham Brown phantom foul, as an example) Michigan adjusted to the way the refs were calling the game, MSU didn't. Michigan looked fairly cool and collected down the stretch, MSU certainly didn't. (Especially one Paul Davis, who was so deer-in-the-headlights that he couldn't keep balanced, leading to the phantom foul.) MSU, who are supposed to be a good rebounding team, got outboarded. Which is especially telling considering MSU shot better than the field, thereby giving MSU more rebounding oppurtunities than Michigan. Michigan forced MSU to play a slow down game, which Sparty apparently cannot. Michigan dictated the pace and earned the win.
Just as a reminder, these friends of ours (pictured above) were the same ones who called us during the third quarter of the MSU-Michigan football game two years back. They were a little premature on that one.

I thoroughly enjoyed this post.

Baseball is the opiate of the masses

Fidel Castro proves the Muhammad Ali law of sticking around. If you don't die, people will forget that they hated you. Anyways, Fidel has gone from a menacing dictator in the communist foothold in the Western World to some kook with a cigar. That kook gives us a gem of a quote,

We will be there, but I would never have thought I would have to answer that question. That is if [the Americans] don't start in on messing around with not giving the visas, or if they go crazy."


Fidel is probably the only current brightspot in the WBC, which was an excellent idea ruined by horrible execution.

Bless You Boys!

I know it has been beaten into the ground, complete with a mind scratching '84 Tigers vs. '05-'06 Pistons segment on ESPN. (Both coachs went by nicknames!) (That just made me think how silly nicknames on adults can be very cool {see Sparky, Flip} or very, very lame {see Skip Bayless}) But it is fun to think about the '84 Tigers again, isn't it? I'm not exactly sure, I was -2 at the time.


Anyways, 35-5. Sweet! At this point, though, I am terrified that Utah might somehow acquire Michael Redd. It haunts my dreams.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

You Underestimate the Power of Kobe

Firstly, I'll admit, I didn't see much of Kobe's 81. (aka any of It) The crappy Conference Championship games wore me out. But, Kobes 81, and my opinion of him, means nothing without our tumultuous history, mostly involving my unjustified dislike.

Hardaway fan and still fondly remember the lil' Penny commercials. I had a lot of fandom invested in Shaq and Penny. My original dislike for Kobe Bryant began not because of Kobe as a person or a player, but because of his team. This grew into an eventual personal dislike when he started on the All-Star team, despite coming off the bench for the Lakers. My counte Firstly, my dislike of the Lakers began with Shaq leaving Orlando. I was a big Anferneerculture streak kicked in here, people loved Kobe, therefore I didn't. As the Shaq-Kobe feud began, I naturally picked Shaq's side, because old habits die hard. (I own both Shaquille O'Neal albums.)
I had essentially the same reaction to the Eagle Co. situation as most everyone else did. And it led to the end of his only positive, his endorsement contract with Nutella. (mmmm....nutella)


Post-Eagle Co. Kobe became a conniving, Machiavellian, backstabber or atleast appeared so. He was a villain. A damn good villain. He even had superpowers, being probably the most talented basketball player in the league, and an outfit, those stupid tights. I loved to hate him. He coldclocked Mike Miller and was indignant afterwards and it seemed like just another day for Kobe.
He was a selfish player. Or at least appeared so. Any act of unselfishness was just that, an act. He didn't do it to incorporate his teammates, it was a response to the calls of selfishness. They rang hollow.

Then he scored 81.

He had only two assists. But that didn't matter to me. The man scored 81 points. That was enough for me. He didn't try to be a teammate, he was a team. Him against the world. I have to admit, I kind of liked it.

He's still a villain.
His career has been following the Anakin Skywalker arc. We're done with the wildly unentertaining prequels. Becoming Darth Vader was mildly interesting, now we just have to sit back and enjoy Kobe choking people with his mind.



(Note: I imagine the storm troopers behind Darth to be Luke Walton and Smush Parker. Lamar Odom is that General Moff Tarkin. [The guy Vader chokes in Episode IV] I'm embarassed I know that.)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

TiVo'ing the Pistons

As you may have heard, I got a TiVo for Christmas. I have no doubt it will essentially ruin my life. But until that day, it will be a glorious experience. But in honor of me watching entirely too much television, I bring you the Pistons, and their TV alter egos. I'm thinking of making this a regular thing, because I watch too much TV anyways. Today, the starters.

Todays TV Show: Lost


Chauncey Billups is Jack:
The Roscoe! Report's slurping of Chauncey Billups continues. Jack is essentially the main character. (Although per the show's style, sometimes he barely appears in episodes.) Either way, Jack, the doctor, is the central cog around which the stranded rotate. Nothing too important happens without his input, and every once in a while he makes an executive decision. (Like moving to the caves.) Chauncey, as the point guard, is always involved. But when the offense is working, Chauncey can force the ball and make plays. He's the only Piston who can do that.

Ben Wallace is Mr. Eko:
This one was based mostly off looks. And the fact that I am potentially terrified of them. Plus, in a recent flashback, Eko was shown to have cornrows, but he's now working on a mini-fro. Neither of them smile too often either.






Rasheed Wallace is John Locke:
Both of them have all the tools. (Rasheed has the inside outside game, Locke is some uber-scout with a briefcase full of knives.) Unfortunately, they're both crazy. Being crazy can sometimes hurt the team/island society. (Rasheed doesn't play enough minutes because of fouls, Locke was resposible for Boone's death.) Both also had their skills hindered previously, Rasheed playing with a team of crazies in Portland, Locke being stricken to a wheelchair.


Tayshaun Prince is Sun (The Korean Chick):
I didn't expect much out of Sun as a character. She didn't speak English. Tayshaun rarely....rarely played the first season. Then Tayshaun came to life and became a solid role player and a defensive stopper in the playoffs and we learned that Sun secrectly new English. Then Tayshaun broke LeBron's ankles and we saw Sun in a bathing suit. It seemed like the sky was the limit for these two. Unfortunately, Sun hasn't developed from a minor character and Tayshaun most likely won't turn into the force that I had hoped as recently as the beginning of this season.


Richard Hamilton is Michael:
They both do basically one thing, but they both do that one thing really well and very often. Rip shoots the mid range jumper. Michael fanatically searches for his son while saying things like "They took my boy." Repeatedly.

Friday, January 13, 2006

The NFL Playoffs and Roscoe!

I know we're usually Pistons-centric. We can't help ourselves when the playoffs come around. This is an NFL gift for you, our loyal reader. Our two resident bloggers, Sheets and Tom, take you through the Division playoff games this weekend. It'll be like Two for the Money, except you'll like it and it will only be for entertainment purposes.

(Note: Sheets is on the left.)


Saturdays Games:

Washington (+9) @ Seattle

Tom: Clinton Portis has come a long way in my book. He started off with two strikes against him. First, he’s from “the U” and therefore automatically associated with Michael Irvin. Second, he’s an NFC East player and he’s not on the Giants. But he has won me over with a variety of hilarious acts and some commercials where I’m pretty sure he’s high. Either way, he’s in the top running for my favorite non-Giant, the spot that will soon (I think) be abdicated by Brett Favre. I tell you all this because Clinton Portis season ends this week. See you next year Clinton.

Seattle 38, Washington 10

Sheets: Hard to believe that a couple of months ago these two teams met and Washington pulled off the 20-17 OT victory. While Washington's offense a week ago against Tampa Bay was about as effective as the Saline High's Hornet offense against any team other than Tecumseh, the Seahawks are not nearly as talented defensively as the Bucs. This is not to say that Washington will light up the board however, as Seattle's defense has greatly improved from a year ago, while many people still aren't sold on the Seahawks, they have sold me enough to put them in the NFC Championship game and cover the spread.

Seattle 27 Washington 14


New England (+3) @ Denver

Tom: I’m of a split mind about New England. On one hand, Tom Brady is a Michigan grad, Belicheck’s pop coached at the Naval Academy, their lineman are very comfortable on camera and I just damn respect the way the team plays. On the other hand, I’m sick of Brady’s omnipresence, that stupid Diet Pepsi Machine and Boston area fans. This game is really a toss up. I hate to do this, but I’ll take the points. Prove me wrong Jake, prove me wrong!

New England 24, Denver 23

Sheets: Can Tom Brady's magical playoff run continue. Most seem to think so, despite the Patriots going into Mile High. I don't think the home field will play too much of an advantage for the Broncos, as the Patriots have seen it all. The play of Jake Plummer will be the key to this game. I'm pretty sure it's the first meaningful game of his career since his Rose Bowl defeat to Ohio State in 1997. Look for him to be able to put some points on the board, but make a couple big mistakes that doom the Broncos in the end.

Patriots 27 Denver 21

Sunday’s Games:
Pittsburgh (+9.5) @ Indy

Tom: Indianapolis is still good. Pittsburgh is still not as good as Indy. That makes the choice fairly obvious to me. The only thing that could sway me is the fact that my friend Matt colored in a Santa Pez dispenser’s beard black, and it now looks like Franco Harris. But really, it just looks like an evil Santa. I guess an evil Santa would look like Franco Harris though. The point it moot.

Indy 31, Pittsburgh 13

Sheets: I think I am a closet Steelers fan. I always just kind of hope they win, but I never really talk about them much. Some may find it hard to root for them in this game, however, because of the whole Tony Dungy thing. The guy is a great coach, and I would love to see him get a championship some day. I attribute Mike Edwards to my closet Steeler rooting and I guess I really do hope they can spring the upset. They need to dodge the early bullets that they didn't dodge in the Monday night affair they had earlier in the season. Obviously the Steelers can ill afford to get in a shootout with the Colts. I think the Steeler defense will be ready and do as much as possible to slow down Indy, but it just won't be enough.

Colts 31 Steelers 23
Carolina (+3) @ Chicago

Tom: I don’t trust either of these teams. Carolina is too streaky. I’m fairly certain Chicago just sucks. I mean, I’m pretty sure of this. Almost positive. I get all sorts of NFC North games living in southeastern Michigan. Not a very good division. This game comes down to Carolina. Carolina wins the game or loses it. Chicago is just along for the ride.

Carolina 24, Chicago 9

Sheets: The Panthers come in hot off their thrashing of Tom's New York football Giants meanwhile the Bears off a bye week and a meaningless game at the end of the regular season. These teams are almost identical on paper. Great defenses, one big play receiver (Steve Smith and Mushin Muhammed) and two capable, above average running backs. The difference lies in the Quarterbacks. While some say that Rex Grossman gives the Bears a boost at Quarterback, it's hard to believe he is going to find things easy against this Carolina defense. This game will come down to which team can make more big plays. With an experienced Jake Delhomme at quarterback, I believe the answer is the Panthers.

Carolina 17 Chicago 13

This totally makes up for the AlamoBowl


From the Roscoe! Report's headquarters in Southeastern Michigan, we've had some bad experiences in San Antonio.

*FLASHBACK*
He's not down yet....pitch it to Breaston...that has to be too many men...damn SunBelt Conference!....why didn't he pitch it to Breaston...



We blacked out there for a second.



But yeah, this makes us feel better. Take that Alamo. You suck. You don't even have a basement.




We're back!

This was the third planned "Triumphant Return" of the Roscoe Report. This one we're actually implementing. My TiVo is set up, as are my classes. Everything is aligned. We'll be tweaking it slightly, which means I won't just be talking about the Pistons. Mostly because I'm too scatterbrained to stay on topic for too long.

TV, you did this to me!