The Roscoe! Report

Ball don't lie.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Best...ESPN Story...Ever

We were checking to check the box score of the Michigan game (Take that Illini) and we came across this tantalizing headline: Mom fights polar bear to save kids playing hockey. The story comes from, you guessed it, Canada. Our buds to the great White North certainly are tough. Although I think that the Polar Bear was just searching for some refreshing Coca -Cola.
Canada's chief exports, goofy Polar Bear stories and gorgeous ice dancers.

You're welcome for the picture of Ms. Belbin, who, we might add, is from Southeastern Michigan. The very same Southeastern Michigan that is home to Roscoe! Report headquarters.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Lindsey Jacobellis falls, has Visa Checkcard stolen

Lindsey Jacobellis had two huge leads. One in the Women's Snowboard Cross and the other in the Roscoe! Reports official Winter Olympic crush race. She then fell, allegedly showing off, and finished second in SBX. (Roscoe! Report is up to date with the hip snowboarding lingo.) But she's still number one in our hearts, but Tanith Belbin and Sasha Cohen are yet to come. Who knows if our Lindsey will lose that lead as well?
(At posting time, Lindsey Jacobellis' website was down for maintenance. Sad, sad day.)

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

It wasn't supposed to end like this...

Our favorite potential sidekick for Rasheed Wallace, Darko Milicic, may be heading out of town.
The potential trade sends Darko and Carlos Arroyo to Orlando for Kelvin Cato's expiring contract and a first round draft pick. (The protection of the draft pick is what's holding it up, right now the Magic want top-7 protected. The Pistons want something lower.)

This trade sucks for many reasons:
-I like Darko and Arroyo, I'll miss them. (Darko needs to be somewhere else to succeed though, so I'm torn about this. But I liked the idea of Darko since before I knew anything about him. I called him Donnie Darko. He was my draft crush.)
-Damnit, Arroyo is one of 2.5 ballhandlers we have. We're putting a lot of faith in the health of Lindsay Hunter.
-My Free Darko t-shirt and Darko Milicic jersey are rendered moot.
-Kelvin Cato? Do we really need another FC. Couldn't we get a better guy with an expiring contract, or at least someone who can help us now? Aren't the Pistons in the middle of a championship run? Cato is like our 5th option at the F/C.
-We're going to hear all sorts of things about how the Pistons would be so much better with Dwayne Wade, Carmelo Anthony or Chris Bosh. (More on this tomorrow...or later if I can't sleep about this.)

This trade is great for one big reason:
-It makes keeping the best starting five in basketball together possible. Plus, a draft pick could get us some sort of servicable 7th/8th man, depending on what happens with Delfino.

Maybe Darko will go back in time and just not enter the draft, or something else that I won't understand. I still don't get that freaking movie. It was cool. But what the hell?

Wayne Gretzky isn't here to talk about the past

Thanks to our allegiance to CBC's coverage of these Winter Olympics, we at the Roscoe! Report spent this afternoon watching the Canadien Hockey Team's press conference. Team Canada's Brad Pascal (some sort of suit) tried to nip it in the bud by asking that the questions involve simply the Olympics. (He also requested, multiple times, that the reporters raise their hands and wait to be called on. This press conference was like a really well-run elementary class.)

Anyways, invariably the questions about (or aboot) distractions were raised, Wayne said that the players were professionals and wouldn't be distracted. Then he essentially pulled a McGwire with the gambling questions, wanting to talk about (or aboot) the current Olympics.

Here's some TimBits from Wayne...presented completely out of context-
"The players we have on this team are tremendously mature, they're ready to play hockey."
"There's really no distraction to them [the players] here."
"No, not at all."
"It doesn't involve me, I'm not involved...It's over and done with."
"I said what I said a week ago."
"If we don't win a gold medal, obviously I'll get blamed. But I've been blamed for lots before. It's not going to change my life."
"You know what, people are generally nice."
"People were concerned that the NHL players who were staying in the village, that they would overpower the figure skaters and the curlers."
"We know Todd Bertuzzi is a good person."
"I'm here to focus on tomorrow's hockey game, I'm here to think about the Olympics games, and to keep dwelling on what I said a week ago just doesn't make any sense."
"The most important things are friends and family."

And here I thought breakfast was the most important thing.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Brian Moorman, athlete

The Roscoe! Report now has a favorite punter. And all due respect to Jeff Feagles, we (heart) Brian Moorman.

At the Pro Bowl skills competition, (which is easily better than the pro bowl game) Brian Moorman competed against the likes of Cato June and Larry Johnson. Our man Brian Moorman actually did fairly well, finishing fourth. He also was apparently the only one going in with a game plan, electing to skip the sled-driving portion and taking the 5-second penalty. (He was initially DQ'd, but called for an official review was later simply assessed the penalty.) Then, not to rest on his laurels, he competed in the Fastest Man competition, where he had the best start of anybody on the day. He told Suzy Kolber he wanted to compete in the kicking competition but punters weren't allowed. All those shenanigans plus he got some screentime with the lovely Suzy Kolber. That earns you a lifetime pass to Roscoe! Report HQ in Southeastern Michigan.

Brian Moorman, you sir are an inspiration for us all. Enjoy your trip to Hawaii, you earned it.

Upon further review, this shouldn't have been unexpected. Brian Moorman was a three-time state champ in the 110 meter hurdles.

Roscoe! Report Olympics Coverage = Babes!

The Olympics are hardly the Roscoe! Report's favorite sporting events. (Mostly because we don't enjoy NBCs trumped-up, tape-delayed coverage. That's one of the nice things about being located in Southeastern Michigan. We get the CBC on basic cable, which means we can actually watch the events...gasp! they happen.) But we do enjoy the Winter Olympics because the events are loaded with athletes from cold weather countries. That means Scandanavian Chicks!

So, the Roscoe! Report would like to introduce you to Norwegian skier Kari Traa, former Olympic gold-medalist who today took the silver in Women's Moguls. (Skiing over little hills. Its what Johnny Mosely did before he started hosting Real World/Road Rules challenges.)

Anyways, you're here for pictures.

(The last picture actually was for a magazine cover. Wethinks the Roscoe! Report might need to take a vaction in Norway.)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Our favorite NBA owner west of Bill Davidson responded to insinuations and accusations coming from the mouth and mind of the Zenmaster. No convoluted stats in this reponse or any talk of this toilet/bidet from the future, just the good ol'fashioned internet smack down:

Mark Cuban owns Phil Jackson.

Excellent work Cuban. But we at the Roscoe! Report wish he had gone all the way with the internet speak and had called Jackson a noob and spelled owned "pwned." The fine fellows at would have had a field day.

Duke Sucks.

(Btw, that is the best sign in the history of sporting events, even better than "Kobe Bryant forces Penetration On and Off the Court.")

Friday, February 03, 2006

We want Prenup!

Vh1 had a free concert at the State Theater in Detroit last night. (It will be airing on Saturday, heavily edited.) But Kanye West as the headliner will surely get some screen time in his kick ass old school late 80s early 90s Joe Dumars jacket. Believe me, its pretty damn sick. Once the Roscoe! Report can get a screen shot/figure out how to do screen shots, you know we'll have one.

Other highlights that will probably not make the telecast.
-A near "GIRLFIGHT!" breaking out right in front of us.
-Joey Harrington getting booed while a Fire Millen chant almost broke out. (We tried.)
-Willie McGinest's watch
-A Jim Breuer citing. Remember goat man? I bet you do.
- Johnny Reznick (lead singer Goo Goo Dolls) looks exactly the same as he did a decade ago.
-Kanye's personal orchestra, who rocked so hard a lot of the hairs on their bows broke.

(Note: Due to some Grammy legal shenanigans, Kanye West didn't appear on the television broadcast or any of the online clips. He's like Chris Webber and Michigan basketball. I swear I saw it, but apparently it didn't happen.)