The Roscoe! Report

Ball don't lie.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys

The Spurs and Frenchman Tony Parker lose to the Mavericks and German Dirk Nowitzki. How did I not see that coming.

Seven Costanza? You're serious?

Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...especially a girl. Or a boy.

Two game sevens tonite. The Roscoe! Report predicts the Spurs and Clippers to advance. Either way, enjoy the tension. It shall be glorious.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Game 7 is going to be...



Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Wonderful World of Simple Mathematics

Apparently, Justin Gatlin didn't set the world record in the 100 meter. He just equaled it. The mistake has been attributed to, get this, a rounding error. Gatlin's time of 9.766 was rounded down to 9.76 instead of the correct 9.77. This leads to two questions.

1.If they keep times to 3 decimal places, why don't they just keep records to 3 decimal places? Is timing not accurate enough for 3 decimal places? If so, why don't they just use a margin of error?

2. Seriously, rounding?

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Northwestern Girls Soccer Proves that Money and Grades Don't Necessarily Indicate Intelligence

Badjocks brought this to the world's attention. Since the Roscoe! Report has no hazing experts and badjocks does, we're not going to attempt to judge the severity of the Northwestern Girls Soccer hazing incidence. But for me, personally, this just appears to be organized drunkeness. This leads me to one conclusion. Are these girls idiots?

Northwestern is the Big Ten's dorky, unathletic member. (They don't even have a track team!) This leads to embarassing results on any sort of field or court. Northwestern takes solace in the fact that they're supposedly smarter. Unquestionably, putting photographic evidence of hazing, which is against both state law and university policy, is pretty goddamn stupid. Hazing unfortunately exists at almost every level of sport in almost every place. (Seriously, just surf around BadJocks, they're very thorough.) But Northwestern girls soccer is one of the few I know of to post their own evidence on the internet for all to see. Idiots.


Damnit. Now I have to do a bitter post which relfects poorly on me. Shit. Well, here we go.

You hear what the Cleveland PA system was playing when Rasheed Wallace was leaving the court with his twisted ankle? "Twist & Shout." Bush-league rednecks. Not since Michael Jackson sold Revolution for a Nike commercial and every single members post-Beatle career has the bands legacy been so tarnished.

Stupid LeBron and me having to be witness to you.

Monday, May 15, 2006

This is why we're called the Roscoe! Report

I know we gonna win. Like I said last night. We gonna bust their ass. Tommorow night is the last game here in this building for this year. Y'all can quote me. Put it back page, front page, whatever. It ain't bulletin board material, it's a fact. They can put it on the bulletin board, on the video, I don't care. I don't care. I know what we're gonna do. I know what we capable of
doing. So, thats all that is."

Classic Roscoe, classic. In honor of that, let's take a trip down memory lane of notable Guaran-sheeds.

2004 - Down 1-0, guaranteeing game 2 at Indiana
All I'm saying is (I'm) guaranteeing Game 2. That's all I'm saying. They will not win Game 2. You heard that from me. You all print whatever you all want. You put it front page, back page, middle of the page: They will not win Game 2."

2005 - Down 2-1, guaranteeing game 4 at Indiana
Oh, we're definitely going back to Detroit with this thing 2-2, no question about it."

My only regret is that 'Sheed didn't mention the middle of the page this year. Oh, well. Ball don't lie.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

You're Risking Fans' Patience!

House's similes took a turn towards the Roscoe! Report's territory last week.

You don't start him on ECMO and that infection could rampage through his body like Pistons fans after a championship."

Now, House, us in the greater "D" area haven't truly rioted since the Tigers in '84. (I'm not counting anything that has happened at MSU, because well, they just don't count.) The thing is, House the character should know that, as he attended the University of Michigan as an undergrad with Dr. Cuddy and her lovely cleavage.

House should have been in Southeastern Michigan around the mid-80s, and should know that the D really gets out of hand when the Tigers do well, which hasn't happened in a while. I'm normally a big House fan. It's one of the few shows that has been plugged relentlessly during the MLB playoffs that hasn't royally sucked. It just feels like the writers were stretching on this one.

[Thanks to Tvgasm for the screenshot of Cuddy. And also for allowing me to waste my time reading re-caps of television shows I've already watched.]

Monday, May 08, 2006

Witness, indeed

That was the type of game that makes me believe Tayshaun has it in him to be more than the best fifth starter in the league. (Which, isn't really that bad to begin with.) Tayshaun seems to play his best against the best players in the league. (See: 2004 NBA Finals vs. Kobe, that wicked drop step posterizing against Bron Bron [Of which I desperately wish I had a clip. YouTubers might be letting me down here.]) He always seems to dash my hopes later, but for now here's to blind faith that the Prince's ability will someday be consistently as amazing as his length. When I have the requisite, inevitable "Why isn't Tayshaun taking the next step" post, forgive me. Witness.