The Roscoe! Report

Ball don't lie.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

My (Planned) Red-Blooded American Sports Day

The Fourth of July approaches rapidly. On said day, we celebrate this great land that is America. (Fuck Yeah!) But how to appropriately celebrate the grandeur that is the United States? There are four things fundamental to our collective American experience:

-Blowing Shit Up

As the founders intended, I shall spend my Independence Day eating meat, drinking beer, watching sports and blowing shit up. Here's a tenative plan. Breakfast will probably be first, but after that, the order is pretty interchangeable.

At 9 am I will not wake. I will instead wake up at 11. For breakfast, I will have an artery-clogging country breakfast. I will have hash browns, sausages and pancakes. I will not have french toast or grapefruit. My coffee will be black and strong. It will truly be a manly breakfast and my day will begin sufficiently free.

After my heart breakfast, I will watch Rocky IV in it's entirety. Rocky defeating that cheating Russian Ivan Drago is the greatest jingoistic moment in cinematic history. And little known fact, it wasn't Rocky's toughness that led to his improbable victory, it was his freedom. I will then consider watching Miracle.

I will not watch Miracle.

I will check to see that my fantasy team is still sucking hard enough to create a gale-force wind. They will.

I will open a Samuel Adams. I will drink that Samuel Adams. I will repeat this process throughout the day.

At the traditional Independence Day barbecue, I will pitch 3 innings of relief ball. My curveball will be falling off the table. I will accomplish all of this while eating two cheeseburgers and four beers. My stat line will be 3 IP, 0 ER, 2 HA, 0 BB, 2 CB, 4 B. My career CBIP (Cheeseburger Per Inning Pitched) will increase to .4, while my career franchise record for beer consumption will grow ever larger. I will go 0-2 at the plate, but I will work the count in each of my at-bats, drawing two walks.

I will watch soccer and pretend not to care. I will make the same jokes about ties and dives. They will still be funny. I will not watch the Tour de France. I will not care.

I will hum "Proud to Be an American" and "Take me out to the ballgame" throughout the day.

More beer.

I will check Deadspin and make a snarky comment. Unsilent Majority will top it, the bastard.

I will watch the Tigers and ask all present whom their tiger is. I will tell them that mine is Craig Monroe. I will later ask them their favorite founding father. Mine is Aaron Burr. That crazy son-of-a-bitch.

I will stare reverently at my Dream Team poster. I will lament the current state of US international basketball, but will fondly remember the summer of 1992. I will make a joke about Christian Laettner to myself.

I will set off illegal fireworks. During the fireworks, I will hum that song from the Natural.

I will start a lively roundtable discussion of the DH. I find it to be a necessary evil. Gentleman can differ.

I will say "If I can't ______, then the terrorists have already won." At least four times.

Happy Independence Day from the Roscoe! Report.


  • At 7/03/2006 2:36 AM, Blogger Unky Rob said…

    Sounds like a good day. My Tiger is Fernando Rodney. I wonder if anyone's Tiger is Jason Grilli?


Post a Comment

<< Home