The Roscoe! Report

Ball don't lie.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

NFL Announces This Year's Lame Musical Act for Opening Week

Diddy to headline kickoff concert. Great. Whenever an article refers to the headlining act as a mogul rather than an artist, you know you're in for trouble. But that wasn't even the most disconcerting fact concerning this years Kickoff celebrations. If you want to spend the next couple minutes questioning your sanity and the collective well-being of mankind, by all means, read on.

5. The Show will also air a performance by Rascall Flatts from Heinz Field.

4. Diddy will be joined by Cassie, Tego Calderon and DJ Riz for the South Beach performance. At the risk of sounding like an old man, I have no idea who these people are and I'm sure their music is too loud. Now get off my lawn.

3. The NFL's marketing campaign this year is called "One Game. One Dream." The only way this can be rectified is if Don Cheadle is prominently involved.

2. The Opening Kickoff special will air on NBC, the same network that ruined the Olympics.

1. Diddy is a three-time grammy winner.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Someone Hired Millen?

Sweet fancy Moses! What was the NFL thinking? Matt Millen is now a part of the NFL's Competition Committee.

Millen has a few rule changes he plans on introducing over the next couple of years:

All players will be eligible to receive passes. This will allow Millen to draft wide receivers for years to come. Mike Williams makes more sense as an offensive guard anyways.


Yardage from the 90s will count as tiebreakers in the current standings. There has to be some way to take advantage of Barry Sanders.

The Lions will play only on Federal Holidays. Presenting the Lions 2007 Schedule:
Monday, Sept. 3 - Labor Day - @ Packers, vs. Vikings, vs. Texans
Monday, Oct. 8 - Columbus Day - vs. Bears, @ Colts, @ Giants
Sunday, Nov. 11 - Veterans Day - vs. Eagles, @ Vikings, vs. 49ers
Thursday, Nov. 22 - Thanksgiving Day - vs. Packers, @ Redskins, @Titans, vs. Colts
Tuesday, Dec. 25 - Christmas Day - @ Bears, vs. Buccaneers, @ Patriots

Some will question the logic of playing a minimum of three professional football games in one day, but the Lions are 33-30-2 when playing on Federal Holidays. You can't argue with success.

All General Managers and Team Presidents cannot be fired. He's working on a bylaw censoring fan-made signs calling for said firing.


A league-wide ban on gay marriage. Possible ramifications with lesbian cheerleaders be damned, Millen wants to destroy Steve Mariucci and his partner, Tom Izzo.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

We're going to need a bigger blog, pt. 2

A serendipitous announcement has forced a sequel to my previous shark post. I certainly hope it doesn't suck as hard as Jaws: The Revenge. Anyways, here's the news:

Yao Ming will no longer eat sharks.


Specifically, Yao has given up shark fin soup, a popular Chinese dish. This announcement came as part of Yao's involvement with WildAid, a wildlife conservation group. Yao, a former Shanghai Shark, stated in his press conference that "endangered species are our friends. Despite the fact that Yao's pledge is essentially lifted straight from Finding Nemo -- "Fish are friends, not food" -- he seems pretty dedicated to the cause. So dedicated he stars in a WildAid PSA that unfortunately doesn't have any sharks, but is pretty awesome anyways.