The Roscoe! Report

NFL Announces This Year's Lame Musical Act for Opening Week

2006-08-08T21:58:00.000-04:00

Diddy to headline kickoff concert. Great. Whenever an article refers to the headlining act as a mogul rather than an artist, you know you're in for trouble. But that wasn't even the most disconcerting fact concerning this years Kickoff celebrations. If you want to spend the next couple minutes questioning your sanity and the collective well-being of mankind, by all means, read on.

5. The Show will also air a performance by Rascall Flatts from Heinz Field.

4. Diddy will be joined by Cassie, Tego Calderon and DJ Riz for the South Beach performance. At the risk of sounding like an old man, I have no idea who these people are and I'm sure their music is too loud. Now get off my lawn.

3. The NFL's marketing campaign this year is called "One Game. One Dream." The only way this can be rectified is if Don Cheadle is prominently involved.

2. The Opening Kickoff special will air on NBC, the same network that ruined the Olympics.

1. Diddy is a three-time grammy winner.

Someone Hired Millen?

2006-08-05T16:35:00.000-04:00

Sweet fancy Moses! What was the NFL thinking? Matt Millen is now a part of the NFL's Competition Committee.

Millen has a few rule changes he plans on introducing over the next couple of years:

All players will be eligible to receive passes. This will allow Millen to draft wide receivers for years to come. Mike Williams makes more sense as an offensive guard anyways.

Yardage from the 90s will count as tiebreakers in the current standings. There has to be some way to take advantage of Barry Sanders.

The Lions will play only on Federal Holidays. Presenting the Lions 2007 Schedule:
Monday, Sept. 3 - Labor Day - @ Packers, vs. Vikings, vs. Texans
Monday, Oct. 8 - Columbus Day - vs. Bears, @ Colts, @ Giants
Sunday, Nov. 11 - Veterans Day - vs. Eagles, @ Vikings, vs. 49ers
Thursday, Nov. 22 - Thanksgiving Day - vs. Packers, @ Redskins, @Titans, vs. Colts
Tuesday, Dec. 25 - Christmas Day - @ Bears, vs. Buccaneers, @ Patriots

Some will question the logic of playing a minimum of three professional football games in one day, but the Lions are 33-30-2 when playing on Federal Holidays. You can't argue with success.

All General Managers and Team Presidents cannot be fired. He's working on a bylaw censoring fan-made signs calling for said firing.

A league-wide ban on gay marriage. Possible ramifications with lesbian cheerleaders be damned, Millen wants to destroy Steve Mariucci and his partner, Tom Izzo.

We're going to need a bigger blog, pt. 2

2006-08-02T19:07:00.000-04:00

A serendipitous announcement has forced a sequel to my previous shark post. I certainly hope it doesn't suck as hard as Jaws: The Revenge. Anyways, here's the news:

Yao Ming will no longer eat sharks.

Specifically, Yao has given up shark fin soup, a popular Chinese dish. This announcement came as part of Yao's involvement with WildAid, a wildlife conservation group. Yao, a former Shanghai Shark, stated in his press conference that "endangered species are our friends. Despite the fact that Yao's pledge is essentially lifted straight from Finding Nemo -- "Fish are friends, not food" -- he seems pretty dedicated to the cause. So dedicated he stars in a WildAid PSA that unfortunately doesn't have any sharks, but is pretty awesome anyways.

We're going to need a bigger blog

2006-07-31T15:58:00.000-04:00

Shark week may be the greatest event in television today. It appeals to one of the most basic notions of human existense: Sharks are terrifying. And awesome. They are alternately awesomely terrifying and terrifyingly awesome. I'm going to have sharks on the mind all week, so it became unavoidable that I would do a little piece on the sharks of the sports world.

San Jose Sharks - The winner of the original naming contest was the "Blades," but the name was deemed too violent. Naturally, "Sharks" was the non-violent alternative. You know, because Sharks doesn't convey violence at all. Any sort of fear the name might have inspired was negated by the team color, teal. All in all, I never understood the logic of naming a hockey team after aquatic animals. The water is frozen. It just seems incongruous.

Greg Norman - Poor Greg Norman. Although his logo is pretty cool. Nice hat too. I really don't want to say anything mean about the guy.

Jeff Samardzija - Nicknamed not for his athletic prowess or killer instinct, Samardzija is simply called "Shark" because he looks like a shark. Although one can assume he is as personable as those killers of the deep because he goes to Notre Dame, collegiate center of jackasses.

Ron Jaworski -One of my favorite ESPN personalities, Jaws mostly breaks down tape for NFL Matchup. No one does more with less. He only really talks about one play per week.

Drew Rosenhaus - Essentially nicknamed himself in his book A Shark Never Sleeps. Another chapter in his long story of douchebaggery. (And some sharks do sleep...in their own sharky way.)

EA Tiburon - The wonderful people who make Madden. They are why when you create a franchise, the default name is Tiburon and the default logo is a shark. Easily the greatest sharks of the sports world.

Update: Miami Sharks - Per Matt's suggestion, the fictional team of Any Given Sunday. The decision making process for that team name can be summed by Lenny Leonard: "Uh-oh! Sharks! The assassins of the sea!... Oooh. You're not sharks. You're dolphins. The clowns of the sea."

Thats all for now. If I missed anything--and I'm sure I did--leave it in the comments or e-mail me. I'll leave you with these words of wisdom from Quint, one of the greatest characters in cinematic history:

"Here's to swimming with bowlegged women."

Charles Barkley considering contemplating possibly running for Governor of Alabama...maybe

2006-07-27T09:20:00.000-04:00

But he won't. This man complains about the hours at TNT.

Donovan McNabb more of a pussy than MTV reality show contestant

2006-07-26T09:55:00.000-04:00

Those of you who aren't following the latest installment of MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge (or claim you aren't, you liars) are missing quite the heroic performance by one Evan.

You see, Evan has been struggling through a sports hernia. He injured himself a few episodes ago and since then, has valiantly climbed over a river on a rope, swam with sharks, and drug hay among other strenous events. All this with a sports hernia that is so serious that Australian doctors say he should stop participating in the Challenge. Evan heroically refuses to give in or even let his competitors know of the intense pain he is experiencing. Even his partner, Coral is unaware of the nature of his injury.

All this leads me to one simple conclusion. Donovan McNabb, NFL quarterback, is not nearly as tough as Evan, a college student on a reality show. Evan is toughing it out to win wonderful prizes from STA Travel and T-Mobile, Donovan couldn't even tough it out to win NFL games for which he was being compensated generously. Goddamn pussy. Rush was right.

The Chick on Monk Pulls a Bobby Valentine

2006-07-22T09:02:00.000-04:00

First, I will not apologize for watching Monk. I'm an old soul. I have been described as Grandpa-ish. I enjoy Monk. So sue me. Monk is consistently entertaining television. Get off my back.

Monk airs on Friday night, so I usually TiVo it and watch on Saturday afternoon. But I had an early Saturday, so there was significantly less boozing on Friday night. As boozing decreases, television viewing increases. So, I watched Monk. Once again, lay off.

Well, without explaining the entire episode, Monk and his lovely assistant are coaching a girls basketball game. Monk's assistant gets two technicals and is ejected. She solves the case while brooding in the locker room and returns to the court in the mascot costume. But after reporting her discovery to the Chief, she remains on the bench with the mascot head removed. The ref clearly sees her. The opposing team should be shooting free throws that instant. The opposing coach should be throwing a fit. None of that happened.

The game was pretty well choreographed up to that point. (It was girl's basketball, it's hard to screw that up.) The re-creation lost all credibility with the poor officiating. Damn cable television and their unrealistic sports scenes ruining my Friday nights. (Note: That was the most pathetic sentence written in the history of time.)

Nike Ad Features Numerous Football Players, Herpes Cases

2006-07-13T13:37:00.000-04:00

Nike is continuing last year's high school football motif for its Nike Gridiron campaign. This year, they've placed their spokesplayers on a single fictional high school team coached by Don Shula, the Marlin Briscoe Hawks. Here's the commercial:

Now, I love the cameos by Steve Young and Deion Sanders. (Also, who's the babe with Deion? Yowza.) But one thing is troubling me about the ad. There are four NFL players featured in the commercial. One of them has a documented case of herpes. Two others have been linked to (read: slept with) Paris Hilton; Paris probably has herpes. Sweet fancy Moses, that is one diseased locker room.

How far will Nike take the high school storyline with this one? The potential is limitless. Will Michael Vick have a tearful meeting with the school nurse? Will Urlacher ignore the rules of the red jersey after Leinhart's locker room talk becomes too familiar for Brian? How will Mike respond when his troubled brother returns to town? This could be the prime-time teen-drama that the OC once was. Nike, don't let me down.

(Read about the second installment of the campaign at my new site, Dejuiced.com)

A New Raven Linebacker Stabbing Story

2006-07-10T15:53:00.000-04:00

Roderick Green, a linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens, was stabbed at a Bowling Alley early this morning. Police have no suspects and believe that the assailant is unkown to Green. I think we all know better.

Have you heard? Bill Simmons is friends with Adam Carolla

2006-07-10T07:30:00.000-04:00

Well he is. And they're such good friends that Bill Simmons will be doing the Sports Updates on Adam Carolla's radio show today. You can hear Bill talk about his upcoming radio job and regurgitate his most recent column during his appearance on the same show last week. (If this link be misbehaving, try getting there through Adam Carolla's website.) And make sure you tune in today, whether it be through the internet or your local radio affiliate. You don't want to miss the Sports Guy say the same things he's been typing for years.

Ben Wallace isn't available? Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent

2006-07-08T16:31:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Detroit, Nazr Mohammed.

[Update, Nazr.org is not the official site of Nazr Mohammed, but is pretty awesome, nonetheless. So, here's the link.]

Wallace x2 - 1 = ?

2006-07-04T09:07:00.000-04:00

Ben Wallace is officially, unofficially a Chicago Bull. And really, I have no qualms with any party of this deal. Ben Wallace should have taken the most money he could get. He's been an underpaid overachiever all of his career. He's earned his big payday. That being said, there's no way Ben Wallace's one-dimensional play is worth 4 years and 60 mil for the Pistons. The 'Stones are a cap-conscious team and Ben Wallace has slowed down considerably the past two years. As much as I love a hustling big man who does the little things, it's not fiscally responsible for a fairly cheap franchise to pay top dollar for the litte things. (I feel like I should just re-run Bill Simmons' Pedro-to-Mets article.) Plus, Ben Wallace and Flip Saunders never seemed to get along. It's probably best for Ben if he left. (For the record, I'd rather have Big Ben than Flip, but the price has made my opinion moot.) The incentive for Ben to stay was only the intangible loyalty of Detroit fans which, as awesome as we are, isn't really enough.

The Bulls are set to make a run at the championship. They gave the Heat a run for their money and added Tyrus Thomas and that Swiss freak, Thabo Sefolosha. (Honestly, I think Thabo might be the steal of the draft, judging by the video of him for the draft. He looks like a goddamn force.) If they move Tyson Chandler, as expected, for PJ Brown, they might have all the pieces in place to make a run at the NBA championship for at least the next three years. That and they get the Knicks draft pick next year! It was the right time for the Bulls to make a move and the right place for Big Ben. They can afford to have him be very, very overpaid in two years if that means they could win a championship now.

Now that I've sufficiently justified the move, time to mourn. Ben Wallace was the heart and/or soul of the New Bad Boys and the 2004 NBA Championship. His arrival in the Grant Hill trade re-established Detroit Pistons toughness. His departure signals a new era in Deeetroit Basketball, for better or for worse. Most likely worse, but we won't worry about that now. Right now, we worry about why the fuck we got rid of Darko. I miss that Serb.

My (Planned) Red-Blooded American Sports Day

2006-07-01T22:59:00.000-04:00

The Fourth of July approaches rapidly. On said day, we celebrate this great land that is America. (Fuck Yeah!) But how to appropriately celebrate the grandeur that is the United States? There are four things fundamental to our collective American experience:

-Meat
-Beer
-Sports
-Blowing Shit Up

As the founders intended, I shall spend my Independence Day eating meat, drinking beer, watching sports and blowing shit up. Here's a tenative plan. Breakfast will probably be first, but after that, the order is pretty interchangeable.

At 9 am I will not wake. I will instead wake up at 11. For breakfast, I will have an artery-clogging country breakfast. I will have hash browns, sausages and pancakes. I will not have french toast or grapefruit. My coffee will be black and strong. It will truly be a manly breakfast and my day will begin sufficiently free.

After my heart breakfast, I will watch Rocky IV in it's entirety. Rocky defeating that cheating Russian Ivan Drago is the greatest jingoistic moment in cinematic history. And little known fact, it wasn't Rocky's toughness that led to his improbable victory, it was his freedom. I will then consider watching Miracle.

I will not watch Miracle.

I will check to see that my fantasy team is still sucking hard enough to create a gale-force wind. They will.

I will open a Samuel Adams. I will drink that Samuel Adams. I will repeat this process throughout the day.

At the traditional Independence Day barbecue, I will pitch 3 innings of relief ball. My curveball will be falling off the table. I will accomplish all of this while eating two cheeseburgers and four beers. My stat line will be 3 IP, 0 ER, 2 HA, 0 BB, 2 CB, 4 B. My career CBIP (Cheeseburger Per Inning Pitched) will increase to .4, while my career franchise record for beer consumption will grow ever larger. I will go 0-2 at the plate, but I will work the count in each of my at-bats, drawing two walks.

I will watch soccer and pretend not to care. I will make the same jokes about ties and dives. They will still be funny. I will not watch the Tour de France. I will not care.

I will hum "Proud to Be an American" and "Take me out to the ballgame" throughout the day.

More beer.

I will check Deadspin and make a snarky comment. Unsilent Majority will top it, the bastard.

I will watch the Tigers and ask all present whom their tiger is. I will tell them that mine is Craig Monroe. I will later ask them their favorite founding father. Mine is Aaron Burr. That crazy son-of-a-bitch.

I will stare reverently at my Dream Team poster. I will lament the current state of US international basketball, but will fondly remember the summer of 1992. I will make a joke about Christian Laettner to myself.

I will set off illegal fireworks. During the fireworks, I will hum that song from the Natural.

I will start a lively roundtable discussion of the DH. I find it to be a necessary evil. Gentleman can differ.

I will say "If I can't ______, then the terrorists have already won." At least four times.

Happy Independence Day from the Roscoe! Report.

Andrea Bargnani's Divina Commedia

2006-06-29T07:51:00.000-04:00

Canto I

Halfway through our time in life
I found myself eligible for draft,
My upside being certainly rife.

Because I hadn't honed my craft,
The loudest doubted my skill.
But knowing them to be daft,

I was called first to the hill
By a man more stern than most
Ahead of EA's crying shill,

Young men in the post,
and the pisser with the DUI,
But I do not mean to boast.

Now, I am not naturally shy,
but during my interview
with the man with the lazy eye

The words I found were few,
'Cause though I have side of up,
The Americans, they chose to boo

As if I were some poor schlup.
But I had the answer for Mr. Scott:
"I from Europe."

Soccer, We Need to Talk

2006-06-22T12:05:00.001-04:00

We had fun, didn't we? But we both knew this wouldn't last. We're just not right for each other. I know, I know. I'll always cherish the memories.

I'll never forget you either, soccer. But we're from different worlds. Those other countries are better for you. It would never work out with us. You know that, I know that.

Of course we can still be friends.

No, no, don't say that. You're a very fun sport. You're very television-friendly. It's not that

It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for a soccer commitment. Maybe in the future, in four years or something. Just right now I'm not in a relationship place.

You deserve better than me. Remember, you're the beautiful game.

I know England has always been into you. You should give him another chance.

We'll definitely keep in touch.

(Hug)

Ok, well, see you around. Bye, soccer.

The Greatest Thing About Soccer, Ever

2006-06-21T21:28:00.001-04:00

Scarves!

In the history of sports fandom, apparel and accessories generally fall into two categories: imitation and idiocy.

Imitation apparel is mostly jerseys. (Authentic, Replica, T-shirt) But it also extends to most shirts, as they are styled to mirror the teams logo/jersey scheme. Imitation apparel is universally accepted. (There are some regulations for the wearing of jersey's emblazoned with the names of players who are not current, but they can be fairly fluid.)

Then there's idiocy. Idiocy is mostly the things beyond what a fan wears. (It's very hard to fault someone for their t-shirt.) Idiocy accessories include such:

Giant foam fingers: The fingers themselves aren't as bad as their spin-offs, giant foam animal hands. Grrrrr.

Thunderstix: The physical manifestation of pumped-in crowd noise. Loathesome.

Cheeseheads: Like giant foam fingers, the cheesehead novelty was at one point an original idea that has since spiralled out of control into poor spinoffs and overabundance.

Rubberband bracelets: Livestrong was nice, now everyone just looks silly.

Accessories are where poor fan fashion lives and breeds. But then something wonderful happened: the soccer scarf. How did this wonderful match come about. What does soccer have to do with keeping one's neck warm? Grown men will normally not be seen in colorful scarves. For good reason, they look ridiculous. Scarves are typically reserved for women, stylish men, and young wizards. Beer-swilling seat-fillers such as you or I? Our necks go cold. Or they did, until soccer fandom freed them. I am now free to attend Michigan soccer games wearing this without fear of ridicule from the truly enlightened fan. Because, I am now a soccer fan, I now have a scarf. I do not know the historical significance of the soccer scarf. I do not care. How the scarf came into existence is of no imporance. It exists, that is enough for me. They are, simply, awesome.

The scarf is useful, games get cold, your neck stays warm. The scarf is stylish, even the most garish scarf somehow looks sublimly cool. The scarf is versatile, it can even be used as a sign.

All hail the scarf, the king of sports accessories.

The World Cup Heritage Problem

2006-06-17T08:15:00.000-04:00

As a red-blooded American, I am required to root for the Red, White and Blue in international sporting events. I hear Michael Phelps is a douche bag, but I'm still glad that douche won all those medals. I do not find this requirement to be a burden. In fact, I take great pleasure chanting U-S-A! U-S-A!, which is invariably the greatest chant in the history of time.

Here comes the Stephen A:

HOWEVA!,

The World Cup is an unique oppurtunity for exception. Soccer is an old world game. The old country, whichever country that is, not only cares more about their football, but also is likely better at it. This brings me to my current conundrum: this afternoon's match.

Italy vs. America

I should probably root for America because...
-I'm American
-I love that the team USA has a player called Gooch
-I'm American (which is normally enough)

I could, though, root for Italy because...
-I'm Italian-American
-Italy will probably win this match and could win the whole thing
-I don't care enough about soccer to consider this high treason
-America's team appears lazy enough that I could root against them regardless of opponent

In a way, the fact that this is even a debate indicates that soccer truly hasn't arrived in America. In another more accurate way, I just like rooting for a winner. I'm going to cop out on this one. Luckily, soccer provides another unique oppurtunity.

Moneyball and the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Softball Team

2006-06-17T03:38:00.000-04:00

In one of the greatest sports-centric episodes in the history of television, C. Montogomery Burns organized a lineup of ringers to win the city softball championship (and a million dollar bet with his Shelbyvillian rival.) His team was originally planned to consist of such stars as Mordecai "3-Finger" Brown and Honus Wagner.

After Smithers informs Mr. Burns that these players are all retired and deceased, Smithers scours the professional ranks for the best players to join the nuclear plant's team. Smithers, fields quite the ball club. Burns chooses to manage the team of ringers and we, the viewers, are privy to his batting lineup.

(Slightly obscured, Ozzie Smith is hitting 8th and playing short. Totally obscured, Roger Clemens is batting ninth and pitching. No DHing in Springfield.)

Showing the lineup on air is neither funny, nor necessary. It serves one purpose: it allows obsessive fans like myself to waste my time analyzing the lineup of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. First, let's check the current lineup. I've added the player's OBP and Slugging Percentage. I've denoted the players who bat from the left side and added stolen bases numbers when appropriate. The episode originally aired in 1992, (on my sixth birthday, incidentally) so all these stats are from 1991. Thanks to Baseball Reference for these statistics.

1-Steve Sax (L) - .345 .414 - SB 31
2-Wade Boggs (L) - .421 .460
3-Darryl Strawberry (L) - .361 .491
4-Jose Canseco - .359 .556 - SB 26
5- Don Mattingly (L)- .339 .394
6-Ken Griffey Jr. (L)- .399 .527
7-Mike Scioscia (L) - .353 .391
8-Ozzie Smith (S)- .380 .367 - SB 35
9-Roger Clemens

With this lineup, order is essentially irrelevant because of the talent, but I believe that Burns would be getting the most from his players. My first qualm is with the leadoff position. Steve Sax has the second lowest On Base Percentage on the team. While it's nice to have some speed at the top of the lineup, Sax is not the only speedy option. The 8th hitter, Ozzie Smith had the third highest OBP of the team, plus 4 more stolen bases than Sax. Plus, Smith is a switch hitter. Boggs is a great second hitter. He's a great moneyball player with an OBP of .421. Straw isn't a bad hitter for the third spot, but Canseco has a similiar OBP and a much higher Slugging Percentage. Plus he has some speed, which would be nice at that spot. Hitting cleanup is Junior Griffey. He and Canseco easily have the highest slugging percentage of the group.

One of Burn's team's weakness is the ridiculous amount of lefty batters (7!). The new lineup has a switch hitter leading off, a lefty, then a righty, then a lefty. It's all lefties from here on out, and from now on, the batting order is essentially moot. All things considered, here's the final lineup:

Ozzie Smith
Wade Boggs
Jose Canseco
Ken Griffey Jr.
Darryl Strawberry
Don Mattingly
Steve Sax
Mike Scioscia
Roger Clemens

Plus the pinch-hitter extraordinaire, Homer Simpson.

"Homer at the Bat" deserves many, many more posts. (And will likely receive them.) Stay tuned.

Great Lawn Adventure: Update

2006-06-16T13:42:00.000-04:00

Our lawn mower exploded. Seriously. The adventure is off.

The Roscoe! Report's Great Lawn Adventure

2006-06-15T16:42:00.000-04:00

My sister's graduation party is this Sunday in lovely Southeastern Michigan. I, therefore, have spent most of the week preparing my family's yard for the event. Having spread all the mulch, some time remains for experimenting with mowing. I have 4 days (the rest of today, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning) to make my mom's lawn appear professionally manicured by a stadium groundskeeper. Why you may ask? Why not? I might even get a tan as a result.

(Note, there is a book on this subject, available only in hard cover. I will not buy it, I'm doing this myself.)

Who has the rights to "Big Ben"?

2006-06-14T20:42:00.000-04:00

The Worldwide Leader have used Big Ben as the nickname for both Ben Roethlisberger and Ben Wallace. Even Wikipedia isn't sure. This can't be.

According to the Roscoe! Report's biased nature, Ben Wallace is without a doubt the rightful holder of the Big Ben moniker. But that is only my opinion. One thing is sure, there needs to be a consensus. A nickname loses any usefulness once it is held by multiple persons. (That is why no one could ever bring themselves to call Andy Roddick, "A-Rod.") But it appears that both Ben Wallace and Ben Roethlisberger are currently being called Big Ben. There can only be one.

But who is the true Big Ben?

According to Google, the true (or atleast the most relevant) Big Ben is Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger's website is on the first page of the web results and a picture shows up on page 2 of the image search. Ben Wallace doesn't appear until page 15 of the image search, after 3 different pictures of GI Joe. Even Ben Roethlisberger's website, while officially located at www.br-7.com, is called bigben7.com.

The internet does not, however, hold the final word on nickname rights. (I understand the irony of a blog which is trying to determine the rightful ownership of a nickname stating that the internet is not the location of the final word of nickname rights.) Ben Wallace has precedence. He is 8 years older, which means he, in all liklihood, has been called Big Ben 8 years longer than Ben Roethlisberger.

Big Ben is an apt nickname for both men. Roethlisberger is listed at 6'5" and 241 lbs. He is certainly not a small man. Ben Wallace is 6'9" and 240. Of course, these are official statistics, so they cannot be trusted. Ben Wallace can alternately look enormous and miniscule. Roethlisberger is a large quarterback, but he is consistently surrounded by 300 pound men. On the football field, he is relatively un-big.

Both have been using the nickname. But how have both have been using the nickname? When Wallace is introduced or does something requisitely exciting in the palace, the palace sound people ring the Ben Wallace "Gong." (Available for download at the Detroit Pistons website.) And while the name makes little sense. (There is no gong in Big Ben the tower; there is a bell. And the sound clip itself is from the AC/DC song "Hell's Bells." Why it is called the Big Ben "Gong" is beyond me.) Ben Roethlisberger appears to only use it for his official website. In fact, the latter part of his name has a better q-rating, with the $7 Roethlis-burger.

And this is what leads to the Roscoe! Report's conclusion. Ben Roethlisberger's nickname should have something to do with a burger. Big Ben is already taken. And despite the amount of Steeler fans who will disagree with me, (And believe me, I certainly fear the retribution of Steeler fans.) Big Ben belongs to one Ben Wallace. So when Roethlisberger is out looking for a helmet (idiot), maybe he could have it personalized with some sort of meat patty image. A burger helmet, if you will.

The Roscoe! Report presents to you, the true Big Ben. Ben Wallace.

Game 6 preview: Doppelganger edition

2006-06-02T12:24:00.000-04:00

Where have I seen you before, Udonis Haslem?

The hair...linear. The head...oddly wide. The eyes...pure evil. Good lord, it's the most overrated character in television history!

Primetime Spelling

2006-06-02T07:29:00.000-04:00

The grand experiment of watching kids spell words I've never heard of has been a rousing success. And as always, some intriguing characters emerged. Better than you'll see on most reality television. I was completely attached to these kids over the course of the day. Honestly, I would watch this over American Idol. These are the most compelling people on TV.

There was Rajiv Tarigopula, the silent assassin. Rajiv was all business, refusing to fraternize at the outdoor barbecue/picnic gathering and staying at a different hotel than all the other contestants. Whenever the camera found him, he gave it a death stare. He was like the Kobe Bryant of the Bee. And I oddly found myself rooting for him. Of course, he didn't win.

There was also Charley Allegar. You will see him on Sportscenter. Because he's a meathead. He led the hilarious "1-2-3 Spell" chant. While every other contestant threw their arms up, Charley pounded his fist down. He probably should have competed in Under Armour. When the camera came to him, he pulled up his sleeve and flexed for the camera. Glorious. In his bio, we find that he's a three sport athlete. Figures. He didn't win.

You of course have heard about Saryn Hooks. She's the girl who was eliminated, only to return when the judges overruled their previous decision. The more I think about this, the more I hope this was some secret conspiracy to create an interesting story. But I'm just cynical and paranoid. One thing I'm pretty sure of is that Saryn is the type of girl I would have a crush on in middle school. She finished third.

The lovable Canuck champ was the runner-up to the winner, who, you could say, was born in the USA. Kerry Close, sponsored by the Asbury Park Press won.

I apologize for the lame Bruce joke. (Paranthetical note concerning the Boss. Michael Wilbon has not only never watched Seinfeld, he's never heard of "Thunder Road." I don't get him sometimes.)

Roscoe! Report Sports Illustrated World Cup Preview Review

2006-06-01T23:26:00.000-04:00

This weeks Sports Illustrated has, quite possibly, the most ridiculous preview in the history of print media.

First, four members of USA soccer appear on the cover. (Including some guy named Gooch! [In the yellow box above. It's more visible here.]) Landon Donovan points as threateningly as he can while the SI headline gets all in our grill. "As they take on the world, the young American stars believe they can win. Are you with them?" Apparently, Sports Illustrated is not, because in their predictions section the US team fails to make it out of the first round.

The insanity doesn't end there. From the quarterfinals on, Grant Wahl makes very specific, yet amazingly vague predictions. For instance, England will eliminate the Ivory Coast on "a goal by Michael Owen." No predicted final score. Brazil will eliminate Spain almost certainly "on a shot from Ronaldo;" however, the final tally is such a mystery that no prediction is warranted. The "prediction" for the France-Germany semi gives a general statement on Frances momentum from round one. There is only one predicted score in the entire article, a bold 2-1 final for the Brazil- England semi. Never before have I seen such a scattershot magazine article.

Plus, they actually printed Gooch on the cover.
I get it's the nickname for Oguchi Onyewu and all, but it is also a fairly lewd term.
Either way, the Roscoe! Report got two things out of the SI Preview, the official soccer player of the Roscoe! Report: Gooch! Plus, they gave us the link to the kick ass Trinidad and Tobago World Cup theme.

Gooch!

What "Your Tiger" says about you?

2006-06-01T19:20:00.000-04:00

The Tigers local promotional campaign includes Detroit celebrities asking you, the viewer, who's your Tiger? But what does your answer say about you, the Detroit Tigers fan.

If catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez is your Tiger,

Then...
You're a loyal person who does your best for friends and teammates no matter the situation. You appreciate the little things in life and baseball. You are prone to yo-yo dieting. Your old nickname is no longer appropriate and confuses people who are new to you.

If your Tiger is first baseman Chris Shelton,

Then...
You probably really liked the Goonies.

If second baseman Placido Polanco is your Tiger,

Then...
You enjoy aliteration because its aurally pleasing. Your hat size is likely larger than 7 3/4. You like opera.

If your Tiger is Carlos Guillen, the shortstop,

Then...
You are reliable if unremarkable in the workplace. You may know a voalitile person with whom you are commonly confused and who often overshadows you, despite often being inferior.

If Brandon Inge, third baseman, is your Tiger,

Then...
You're quite good at multi-tasking. You may have changed majors more than twice in college.

If leftfielder Craig Monroe is your Tiger,

Then...
Baseball probably isn't your favorite sport.

If your Tiger is centerfielder Curtis Granderson,

Then...
You don't steal as much as people think you would. Or should. Your significant other has had two ex's who are strikingly similiar to you.

If rightfielder Magglio Ordonez is your Tiger,

Then...
People may have given up on you. You've survived a major illness. Racist loudmouths hate you.

If DH Dmitri Young is your Tiger,

Then...
You probably actually live in Detroit. You're that hard. A family member of yours has an anger control problem.

If SP Kenny Rogers is your Tiger,

Then...
You don't trust mass media. You enjoy fried chicken. You may have a gambling problem.

If your Tiger is SP Jeremy Bonderman,

Then...
You had great expectations that have been fufilled, but not necessarily in a fufilling way. You don't say much.

If your Tiger is Mike Maroth,

Then...
You're a southpaw.

If SP Nate Robertson is your Tiger,

Then...
You have astigmatism. Get that checked out. You also have cavities from all that gum.

If your Tiger is Justin Verlander,

Then...
You play fantasy baseball.

If your Tiger is reliever Joel Zumaya,

Then...
You look like you could use a beer.

If your Tiger is Fernando Rodney,

Then...
You're trying too hard.

If your Tiger is closer Todd Jones,

Then...
You likely drive a truck. You are the walrus. Koo Koo Ka-choo.

If your Tiger is Manager Jim Leyland,

Then...
Smoke if you got 'em.

If your Tiger is mascot "Paws,"

Then...
What are you, five?

Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys

2006-05-22T23:37:00.000-04:00

The Spurs and Frenchman Tony Parker lose to the Mavericks and German Dirk Nowitzki. How did I not see that coming.

Seven Costanza? You're serious?

2006-05-22T16:21:00.000-04:00

Yeah. It's a beautiful name for a boy or a girl...especially a girl. Or a boy.

Two game sevens tonite. The Roscoe! Report predicts the Spurs and Clippers to advance. Either way, enjoy the tension. It shall be glorious.

Game 7 is going to be...

2006-05-20T12:32:00.000-04:00

BANANAS!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S

The Wonderful World of Simple Mathematics

2006-05-17T07:59:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Justin Gatlin didn't set the world record in the 100 meter. He just equaled it. The mistake has been attributed to, get this, a rounding error. Gatlin's time of 9.766 was rounded down to 9.76 instead of the correct 9.77. This leads to two questions.

1.If they keep times to 3 decimal places, why don't they just keep records to 3 decimal places? Is timing not accurate enough for 3 decimal places? If so, why don't they just use a margin of error?

2. Seriously, rounding?

Northwestern Girls Soccer Proves that Money and Grades Don't Necessarily Indicate Intelligence

2006-05-16T19:13:00.000-04:00

Badjocks brought this to the world's attention. Since the Roscoe! Report has no hazing experts and badjocks does, we're not going to attempt to judge the severity of the Northwestern Girls Soccer hazing incidence. But for me, personally, this just appears to be organized drunkeness. This leads me to one conclusion. Are these girls idiots?

Northwestern is the Big Ten's dorky, unathletic member. (They don't even have a track team!) This leads to embarassing results on any sort of field or court. Northwestern takes solace in the fact that they're supposedly smarter. Unquestionably, putting photographic evidence of hazing, which is against both state law and university policy, is pretty goddamn stupid. Hazing unfortunately exists at almost every level of sport in almost every place. (Seriously, just surf around BadJocks, they're very thorough.) But Northwestern girls soccer is one of the few I know of to post their own evidence on the internet for all to see. Idiots.

Expletive!

2006-05-16T00:19:00.000-04:00

Damnit. Now I have to do a bitter post which relfects poorly on me. Shit. Well, here we go.

You hear what the Cleveland PA system was playing when Rasheed Wallace was leaving the court with his twisted ankle? "Twist & Shout." Bush-league rednecks. Not since Michael Jackson sold Revolution for a Nike commercial and every single members post-Beatle career has the bands legacy been so tarnished.

Stupid LeBron and me having to be witness to you.

This is why we're called the Roscoe! Report

2006-05-15T15:50:00.000-04:00

I know we gonna win. Like I said last night. We gonna bust their ass. Tommorow night is the last game here in this building for this year. Y'all can quote me. Put it back page, front page, whatever. It ain't bulletin board material, it's a fact. They can put it on the bulletin board, on the video, I don't care. I don't care. I know what we're gonna do. I know what we capable of
doing. So, thats all that is."

Classic Roscoe, classic. In honor of that, let's take a trip down memory lane of notable Guaran-sheeds.

2004 - Down 1-0, guaranteeing game 2 at Indiana

All I'm saying is (I'm) guaranteeing Game 2. That's all I'm saying. They will not win Game 2. You heard that from me. You all print whatever you all want. You put it front page, back page, middle of the page: They will not win Game 2."

2005 - Down 2-1, guaranteeing game 4 at Indiana

Oh, we're definitely going back to Detroit with this thing 2-2, no question about it."

My only regret is that 'Sheed didn't mention the middle of the page this year. Oh, well. Ball don't lie.

You're Risking Fans' Patience!

2006-05-10T19:17:00.000-04:00

House's similes took a turn towards the Roscoe! Report's territory last week.

You don't start him on ECMO and that infection could rampage through his body like Pistons fans after a championship."

Now, House, us in the greater "D" area haven't truly rioted since the Tigers in '84. (I'm not counting anything that has happened at MSU, because well, they just don't count.) The thing is, House the character should know that, as he attended the University of Michigan as an undergrad with Dr. Cuddy and her lovely cleavage.

House should have been in Southeastern Michigan around the mid-80s, and should know that the D really gets out of hand when the Tigers do well, which hasn't happened in a while. I'm normally a big House fan. It's one of the few shows that has been plugged relentlessly during the MLB playoffs that hasn't royally sucked. It just feels like the writers were stretching on this one.

[Thanks to Tvgasm for the screenshot of Cuddy. And also for allowing me to waste my time reading re-caps of television shows I've already watched.]

Witness, indeed

2006-05-08T15:39:00.000-04:00

That was the type of game that makes me believe Tayshaun has it in him to be more than the best fifth starter in the league. (Which, isn't really that bad to begin with.) Tayshaun seems to play his best against the best players in the league. (See: 2004 NBA Finals vs. Kobe, that wicked drop step posterizing against Bron Bron [Of which I desperately wish I had a clip. YouTubers might be letting me down here.]) He always seems to dash my hopes later, but for now here's to blind faith that the Prince's ability will someday be consistently as amazing as his length. When I have the requisite, inevitable "Why isn't Tayshaun taking the next step" post, forgive me. Witness.

...But Will He Play Offense?

2006-04-26T21:42:00.000-04:00

Our favorite quarterack with sensitive teeth has returned and throughout the headquarters of the worldwide leader, these questions were echoed, "What was he waiting for? What's different now?" Well, we know what changed his mind. I have a feeling that Favre was informed that the Green Bay Packers would be signing Charles Woodson and that said information had an effect on his decision. He's the help for which Farve's been asking. The Roscoe! Report's resident Charles Woodson fan-boy had this to say:

I'm pretty happy about [the signing.] I'm not gonna lie.

The Roscoe! Report is pretty pleased as well. We really hope that they let Chuck line up in the slot for a couple plays a game, if just to make me pine away for 1997. Oh, what a glorious year. Woodson has gone from a great college player to a good pro to a discontented disappointment. I think a change of scenery would do him well. Also, let us not forget what happened last time the Packers had a Michigan Heisman winner.

Roscoe! on Soccer?

2006-04-06T16:53:00.000-04:00

By all accounts, this post should be about baseball, (it started!) basketball, (Pistons clinch home court in the east) or even the NFL. (Schedules released.) But its about soccer.
Deal.

I'm currently housesitting in Southeastern Michigan, so the Roscoe! Reports hq has been a mobile one as of late. But one definite perk is the digital cable, which besides allowing me to watch an unhealthy amount of baseball also has provided me some glimpses into the weird world of soccer. There's some sort of champions league thing going on right now. I'm not exactly sure what it all means, because there always seems to be a championship thing going on in soccer. (FA Cup, European Championship, Champions league.) I don't know enough to distinguish between these different events or their relative worth to the noble soccer hooligan. But no matter, I'm here to tell you that I don't care about soccer and that I've finally figured out why.

I always was pretty sure I didn't like soccer too much. What I was always unsure about was why. I naturally assumed it was the low scoring. But a pitching duel in baseball or a defensive struggle in (American) football are exciting. Soccer isn't boring because it's low-scoring. In fact, it can be exciting when it's a tense 1-1 game late. However, when a game ends 1-1, that can certainly be disatisfying. I'd rather have a tie than the crime against nature that is the shoot-out. So it's not the ties. It's not the shoot-outs either, because unnatural overtimes exist in college football as well. (The college vs. pro overtime debate will have to wait.) Maybe it's some xenophobic aversion to this sport that everyone else seems to think is so great. I watched curling this olympics. (Thank you CBC.) I've tried to like soccer. I've kept an open mind. I read Fever Pitch. (Which is about soccer.) I watched the World Cup, even though it was on at 4 AM. Soccer can be a beautiful game.

That's the problem. These players do these wonderful moves with unbelievable grace. But more often than not, there is no reward associated with it. A great ball in soccer will most likely result in nothing and will not even set up a goal. In baseball, when a player hits a triple, they might not score that play, but they are in a position to be driven home. A first down in football lets you start over closer to your goal. In basketball, rarely does a good play lead to no points. But in soccer, if a player makes a fantastic run and the goalie gets the ball, he punts it away. These players aren't rewarded. And that just angers me.

Spring Break....wooo!

2006-03-07T14:34:00.000-05:00

The Roscoe! Report returned to our Southeastern Michigan HQ from our weeklong hiatus in Florida. We're tanned and ready for baseball. Wooooo!

Best...ESPN Story...Ever

2006-02-21T22:37:00.000-05:00

We were checking ESPN.com to check the box score of the Michigan game (Take that Illini) and we came across this tantalizing headline: Mom fights polar bear to save kids playing hockey. The story comes from, you guessed it, Canada. Our buds to the great White North certainly are tough. Although I think that the Polar Bear was just searching for some refreshing Coca -Cola.
Canada's chief exports, goofy Polar Bear stories and gorgeous ice dancers.

You're welcome for the picture of Ms. Belbin, who, we might add, is from Southeastern Michigan. The very same Southeastern Michigan that is home to Roscoe! Report headquarters.

Lindsey Jacobellis falls, has Visa Checkcard stolen

2006-02-17T12:58:00.000-05:00

Lindsey Jacobellis had two huge leads. One in the Women's Snowboard Cross and the other in the Roscoe! Reports official Winter Olympic crush race. She then fell, allegedly showing off, and finished second in SBX. (Roscoe! Report is up to date with the hip snowboarding lingo.) But she's still number one in our hearts, but Tanith Belbin and Sasha Cohen are yet to come. Who knows if our Lindsey will lose that lead as well?
(At posting time, Lindsey Jacobellis' website was down for maintenance. Sad, sad day.)

It wasn't supposed to end like this...

2006-02-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

Our favorite potential sidekick for Rasheed Wallace, Darko Milicic, may be heading out of town.
The potential trade sends Darko and Carlos Arroyo to Orlando for Kelvin Cato's expiring contract and a first round draft pick. (The protection of the draft pick is what's holding it up, right now the Magic want top-7 protected. The Pistons want something lower.)

This trade sucks for many reasons:
-I like Darko and Arroyo, I'll miss them. (Darko needs to be somewhere else to succeed though, so I'm torn about this. But I liked the idea of Darko since before I knew anything about him. I called him Donnie Darko. He was my draft crush.)
-Damnit, Arroyo is one of 2.5 ballhandlers we have. We're putting a lot of faith in the health of Lindsay Hunter.
-My Free Darko t-shirt and Darko Milicic jersey are rendered moot.
-Kelvin Cato? Do we really need another FC. Couldn't we get a better guy with an expiring contract, or at least someone who can help us now? Aren't the Pistons in the middle of a championship run? Cato is like our 5th option at the F/C.
-We're going to hear all sorts of things about how the Pistons would be so much better with Dwayne Wade, Carmelo Anthony or Chris Bosh. (More on this tomorrow...or later if I can't sleep about this.)

This trade is great for one big reason:
-It makes keeping the best starting five in basketball together possible. Plus, a draft pick could get us some sort of servicable 7th/8th man, depending on what happens with Delfino.

Maybe Darko will go back in time and just not enter the draft, or something else that I won't understand. I still don't get that freaking movie. It was cool. But what the hell?

Wayne Gretzky isn't here to talk about the past

2006-02-14T13:59:00.000-05:00

Thanks to our allegiance to CBC's coverage of these Winter Olympics, we at the Roscoe! Report spent this afternoon watching the Canadien Hockey Team's press conference. Team Canada's Brad Pascal (some sort of suit) tried to nip it in the bud by asking that the questions involve simply the Olympics. (He also requested, multiple times, that the reporters raise their hands and wait to be called on. This press conference was like a really well-run elementary class.)

Anyways, invariably the questions about (or aboot) distractions were raised, Wayne said that the players were professionals and wouldn't be distracted. Then he essentially pulled a McGwire with the gambling questions, wanting to talk about (or aboot) the current Olympics.

Here's some TimBits from Wayne...presented completely out of context-
"The players we have on this team are tremendously mature, they're ready to play hockey."
"There's really no distraction to them [the players] here."
"No, not at all."
"It doesn't involve me, I'm not involved...It's over and done with."
"I said what I said a week ago."
"If we don't win a gold medal, obviously I'll get blamed. But I've been blamed for lots before. It's not going to change my life."
"You know what, people are generally nice."
"People were concerned that the NHL players who were staying in the village, that they would overpower the figure skaters and the curlers."
"We know Todd Bertuzzi is a good person."
"I'm here to focus on tomorrow's hockey game, I'm here to think about the Olympics games, and to keep dwelling on what I said a week ago just doesn't make any sense."
"The most important things are friends and family."

And here I thought breakfast was the most important thing.

Brian Moorman, athlete

2006-02-11T21:50:00.000-05:00

The Roscoe! Report now has a favorite punter. And all due respect to Jeff Feagles, we (heart) Brian Moorman.

At the Pro Bowl skills competition, (which is easily better than the pro bowl game) Brian Moorman competed against the likes of Cato June and Larry Johnson. Our man Brian Moorman actually did fairly well, finishing fourth. He also was apparently the only one going in with a game plan, electing to skip the sled-driving portion and taking the 5-second penalty. (He was initially DQ'd, but called for an official review was later simply assessed the penalty.) Then, not to rest on his laurels, he competed in the Fastest Man competition, where he had the best start of anybody on the day. He told Suzy Kolber he wanted to compete in the kicking competition but punters weren't allowed. All those shenanigans plus he got some screentime with the lovely Suzy Kolber. That earns you a lifetime pass to Roscoe! Report HQ in Southeastern Michigan.

Brian Moorman, you sir are an inspiration for us all. Enjoy your trip to Hawaii, you earned it.

Upon further review, this shouldn't have been unexpected. Brian Moorman was a three-time state champ in the 110 meter hurdles.

Roscoe! Report Olympics Coverage = Babes!

2006-02-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

The Olympics are hardly the Roscoe! Report's favorite sporting events. (Mostly because we don't enjoy NBCs trumped-up, tape-delayed coverage. That's one of the nice things about being located in Southeastern Michigan. We get the CBC on basic cable, which means we can actually watch the events...gasp!...as they happen.) But we do enjoy the Winter Olympics because the events are loaded with athletes from cold weather countries. That means Scandanavian Chicks!

So, the Roscoe! Report would like to introduce you to Norwegian skier Kari Traa, former Olympic gold-medalist who today took the silver in Women's Moguls. (Skiing over little hills. Its what Johnny Mosely did before he started hosting Real World/Road Rules challenges.)

Anyways, you're here for pictures.

(The last picture actually was for a magazine cover. Wethinks the Roscoe! Report might need to take a vaction in Norway.)

Pwned!

2006-02-08T20:44:00.000-05:00

Our favorite NBA owner west of Bill Davidson responded to insinuations and accusations coming from the mouth and mind of the Zenmaster. No convoluted stats in this reponse or any talk of this toilet/bidet from the future, just the good ol'fashioned internet smack down:

Mark Cuban owns Phil Jackson.

Excellent work Cuban. But we at the Roscoe! Report wish he had gone all the way with the internet speak and had called Jackson a noob and spelled owned "pwned." The fine fellows at fark.com would have had a field day.

Duke Sucks.

(Btw, that is the best sign in the history of sporting events, even better than "Kobe Bryant forces Penetration On and Off the Court.")

We want Prenup!

2006-02-03T10:11:00.000-05:00

Vh1 had a free concert at the State Theater in Detroit last night. (It will be airing on Saturday, heavily edited.) But Kanye West as the headliner will surely get some screen time in his kick ass old school late 80s early 90s Joe Dumars jacket. Believe me, its pretty damn sick. Once the Roscoe! Report can get a screen shot/figure out how to do screen shots, you know we'll have one.

Other highlights that will probably not make the telecast.
-A near "GIRLFIGHT!" breaking out right in front of us.
-Joey Harrington getting booed while a Fire Millen chant almost broke out. (We tried.)
-Willie McGinest's watch
-A Jim Breuer citing. Remember goat man? I bet you do.
- Johnny Reznick (lead singer Goo Goo Dolls) looks exactly the same as he did a decade ago.
-Kanye's personal orchestra, who rocked so hard a lot of the hairs on their bows broke.

(Note: Due to some Grammy legal shenanigans, Kanye West didn't appear on the television broadcast or any of the online clips. He's like Chris Webber and Michigan basketball. I swear I saw it, but apparently it didn't happen.)

Roscoe! Report Advertisement Corner

2006-01-31T13:42:00.000-05:00

This just in. Nike has some ad geniuses. I know everybody loves the LeBrons. (My favorite: wise LeBron. The man had a quadruple double.) But enough's been said about them. My favorite Nike commercials are the ones that are basically training montages, anyways. It's like watching a little 30 second Rocky movie. The Bittersweet Symphony one from way back (1998!) may or may not have made me cry. That old guy running up the stairs, he's so determined!

Well, Nike has a new training montage commercial, just in time to get my lazy ass off the couch. This time, they're going with the early morning workout motif. The commercial opens with various athletes sleeping soundly. (And alone. Where are the groupies? Do we need to get On The DL on this?) Then the alarms begin to sound. The first are slightly soothing, which amazes me that alarms are made that don't frighten the hell out of me. Then we hear the classic, shrill alarm that greets me every morning. Then the morning workouts begin!
The lights are dramatically turned on at the pool. Tom Brady watches film. (You know its morning because he's eating cereal.) An ocean wave crashes over the camera as a surfer paddles out into the morning ocean. And now the runners. (Part of the reason I love this genre of Nike commercials is that it gets Nike back to its roots. I feel like they get sentimental when they talk about running.) We get some weightlifting Amare. There's brady again, throwing in the snow. (With no gloves! Brady wears gloves in the games, why the hell wouldn't he in practice?) Maria Sharapova? Why so little screen time? The music picks up (AC/DC - Rock and Roll ain't Noise Pollution) and we get some quick cuts. The commercial ends with another shrill alarm and a Just Do It screen graphic.

Classic Nike work. I put these commercials to the Rocky/Vision Quest litmust test. If the commercial makes me want to hit the gym, its effective in my book. I might just buy some Nike products to assist me. Good work, Nike, now I'm off to the IM Building.

Note: I think Nike should put their ad geniuses to work for some uniform design, because I'm pretty sure those folks are going crazy.

2006-01-26T15:07:00.000-05:00

I found it very comical last night that during the 2nd half of the Michigan Michigan State game, I received a message from a spartan friend of mind that read, "I don't know who is going to win this game, but this is the worst officiating I have ever seen,"-from Anonymous hibernating spartan fan. At this point in the game, I believe the game was either tied or MSU was still leading by a slim margin. This message told me two things: One, he knew his team was in serious trouble, because he could obviously not predict how the referees would officiate the rest of the game. What he did see, however, was that his team was getting outplayed by what I still consider to be an inferior Michigan team to that of the Spartans. This little message was just some protection, a bullet proof vest if you will, should his top 15 ranked Spartans fall to the Wolverines. He knew I would call him out after the game if he tried using this excuse after the game, so he protected himself from this by doing it during the 2nd half. Sparty, ADMIT IT! YOU GOT OUTPLAYED BY MICHIGAN LAST NIGHT. The spartans were outrebounded by a front line consisting of a 6'9" white guy (tops) with a vertical that can't exceed much more than 20. A 6'11 softy, who should have stuck with those tennis scholarships he was offered out of high school, and another 6'11 beanpole who can't weigh much more than a couple bills. You guys shot 50% from the field while we shot 41%, doesn't that mean you should have outrebounded us? Hmm, just a couple stats to think about. As well as MSU only taking 5 shots from inside the paint in the 2nd half. Some people have questioned Tommy Amaker as a coach, but one thing they can't question is his ability to teach his kids to not foul a jump shooter!

Just deal with sparty fans. It's one game. You lost. You were outplayed by a team that doesn't have the talent you have Quit your bitching, you'll get our chance at us next month, and then possibily again in the Big 10 tourney. In closing, to go along with Tom's picture, I would just like to drop a few a reactions from one very special little sparty

msu wrestle01: http://michiganstate.rivals.com/showmsg.asp?fid=313&mid=67564158&sid=&tid=67564158&style=1
msu wrestle01: look at these videos and tell me its not bullshit
msu wrestle01: look at em
msu wrestle01: just look at the davis one
msu wrestle01: please
Then the obvious reason why U-M won
msuwrestle01: you would too (bitch).....if Izzo sucked the refs dick like Tommy did....WELL SAID MY MAN

Why don't we call the Whaaaambulance?

2006-01-26T14:42:00.000-05:00

At Roscoe! Report HQ in Southeastern Michigan, we naturally have some friends who attend Michigan State University. We usually don't like to get personal here at the Roscoe! Report, but a little too much boo-hooing from our Spartan bretheren has necessitated this:

Yes, there was a discrepancy in free throw attempts, but the refs were bad both ways. (The Graham Brown phantom foul, as an example) Michigan adjusted to the way the refs were calling the game, MSU didn't. Michigan looked fairly cool and collected down the stretch, MSU certainly didn't. (Especially one Paul Davis, who was so deer-in-the-headlights that he couldn't keep balanced, leading to the phantom foul.) MSU, who are supposed to be a good rebounding team, got outboarded. Which is especially telling considering MSU shot better than the field, thereby giving MSU more rebounding oppurtunities than Michigan. Michigan forced MSU to play a slow down game, which Sparty apparently cannot. Michigan dictated the pace and earned the win.
Just as a reminder, these friends of ours (pictured above) were the same ones who called us during the third quarter of the MSU-Michigan football game two years back. They were a little premature on that one.

I thoroughly enjoyed this post.

Baseball is the opiate of the masses

2006-01-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

Fidel Castro proves the Muhammad Ali law of sticking around. If you don't die, people will forget that they hated you. Anyways, Fidel has gone from a menacing dictator in the communist foothold in the Western World to some kook with a cigar. That kook gives us a gem of a quote,

We will be there, but I would never have thought I would have to answer that question. That is if [the Americans] don't start in on messing around with not giving the visas, or if they go crazy."

Fidel is probably the only current brightspot in the WBC, which was an excellent idea ruined by horrible execution.

Bless You Boys!

2006-01-26T10:26:00.000-05:00

I know it has been beaten into the ground, complete with a mind scratching '84 Tigers vs. '05-'06 Pistons segment on ESPN. (Both coachs went by nicknames!) (That just made me think how silly nicknames on adults can be very cool {see Sparky, Flip} or very, very lame {see Skip Bayless}) But it is fun to think about the '84 Tigers again, isn't it? I'm not exactly sure, I was -2 at the time.

Anyways, 35-5. Sweet! At this point, though, I am terrified that Utah might somehow acquire Michael Redd. It haunts my dreams.

You Underestimate the Power of Kobe

2006-01-25T14:40:00.000-05:00

Firstly, I'll admit, I didn't see much of Kobe's 81. (aka any of It) The crappy Conference Championship games wore me out. But, Kobes 81, and my opinion of him, means nothing without our tumultuous history, mostly involving my unjustified dislike.

Hardaway fan and still fondly remember the lil' Penny commercials. I had a lot of fandom invested in Shaq and Penny. My original dislike for Kobe Bryant began not because of Kobe as a person or a player, but because of his team. This grew into an eventual personal dislike when he started on the All-Star team, despite coming off the bench for the Lakers. My counte Firstly, my dislike of the Lakers began with Shaq leaving Orlando. I was a big Anferneerculture streak kicked in here, people loved Kobe, therefore I didn't. As the Shaq-Kobe feud began, I naturally picked Shaq's side, because old habits die hard. (I own both Shaquille O'Neal albums.)
I had essentially the same reaction to the Eagle Co. situation as most everyone else did. And it led to the end of his only positive, his endorsement contract with Nutella. (mmmm....nutella)

Post-Eagle Co. Kobe became a conniving, Machiavellian, backstabber or atleast appeared so. He was a villain. A damn good villain. He even had superpowers, being probably the most talented basketball player in the league, and an outfit, those stupid tights. I loved to hate him. He coldclocked Mike Miller and was indignant afterwards and it seemed like just another day for Kobe.
He was a selfish player. Or at least appeared so. Any act of unselfishness was just that, an act. He didn't do it to incorporate his teammates, it was a response to the calls of selfishness. They rang hollow.

Then he scored 81.

He had only two assists. But that didn't matter to me. The man scored 81 points. That was enough for me. He didn't try to be a teammate, he was a team. Him against the world. I have to admit, I kind of liked it.

He's still a villain.
His career has been following the Anakin Skywalker arc. We're done with the wildly unentertaining prequels. Becoming Darth Vader was mildly interesting, now we just have to sit back and enjoy Kobe choking people with his mind.

(Note: I imagine the storm troopers behind Darth to be Luke Walton and Smush Parker. Lamar Odom is that General Moff Tarkin. [The guy Vader chokes in Episode IV] I'm embarassed I know that.)

TiVo'ing the Pistons

2006-01-17T13:44:00.000-05:00

As you may have heard, I got a TiVo for Christmas. I have no doubt it will essentially ruin my life. But until that day, it will be a glorious experience. But in honor of me watching entirely too much television, I bring you the Pistons, and their TV alter egos. I'm thinking of making this a regular thing, because I watch too much TV anyways. Today, the starters.

Todays TV Show: Lost

Chauncey Billups is Jack:
The Roscoe! Report's slurping of Chauncey Billups continues. Jack is essentially the main character. (Although per the show's style, sometimes he barely appears in episodes.) Either way, Jack, the doctor, is the central cog around which the stranded rotate. Nothing too important happens without his input, and every once in a while he makes an executive decision. (Like moving to the caves.) Chauncey, as the point guard, is always involved. But when the offense is working, Chauncey can force the ball and make plays. He's the only Piston who can do that.

Ben Wallace is Mr. Eko:
This one was based mostly off looks. And the fact that I am potentially terrified of them. Plus, in a recent flashback, Eko was shown to have cornrows, but he's now working on a mini-fro. Neither of them smile too often either.

Rasheed Wallace is John Locke:
Both of them have all the tools. (Rasheed has the inside outside game, Locke is some uber-scout with a briefcase full of knives.) Unfortunately, they're both crazy. Being crazy can sometimes hurt the team/island society. (Rasheed doesn't play enough minutes because of fouls, Locke was resposible for Boone's death.) Both also had their skills hindered previously, Rasheed playing with a team of crazies in Portland, Locke being stricken to a wheelchair.

Tayshaun Prince is Sun (The Korean Chick):
I didn't expect much out of Sun as a character. She didn't speak English. Tayshaun rarely....rarely played the first season. Then Tayshaun came to life and became a solid role player and a defensive stopper in the playoffs and we learned that Sun secrectly new English. Then Tayshaun broke LeBron's ankles and we saw Sun in a bathing suit. It seemed like the sky was the limit for these two. Unfortunately, Sun hasn't developed from a minor character and Tayshaun most likely won't turn into the force that I had hoped as recently as the beginning of this season.

Richard Hamilton is Michael:
They both do basically one thing, but they both do that one thing really well and very often. Rip shoots the mid range jumper. Michael fanatically searches for his son while saying things like "They took my boy." Repeatedly.

The NFL Playoffs and Roscoe!

2006-01-13T14:23:00.000-05:00

I know we're usually Pistons-centric. We can't help ourselves when the playoffs come around. This is an NFL gift for you, our loyal reader. Our two resident bloggers, Sheets and Tom, take you through the Division playoff games this weekend. It'll be like Two for the Money, except you'll like it and it will only be for entertainment purposes.

(Note: Sheets is on the left.)

Saturdays Games:

Washington (+9) @ Seattle

Tom: Clinton Portis has come a long way in my book. He started off with two strikes against him. First, he’s from “the U” and therefore automatically associated with Michael Irvin. Second, he’s an NFC East player and he’s not on the Giants. But he has won me over with a variety of hilarious acts and some commercials where I’m pretty sure he’s high. Either way, he’s in the top running for my favorite non-Giant, the spot that will soon (I think) be abdicated by Brett Favre. I tell you all this because Clinton Portis season ends this week. See you next year Clinton.

Seattle 38, Washington 10

Sheets: Hard to believe that a couple of months ago these two teams met and Washington pulled off the 20-17 OT victory. While Washington's offense a week ago against Tampa Bay was about as effective as the Saline High's Hornet offense against any team other than Tecumseh, the Seahawks are not nearly as talented defensively as the Bucs. This is not to say that Washington will light up the board however, as Seattle's defense has greatly improved from a year ago, while many people still aren't sold on the Seahawks, they have sold me enough to put them in the NFC Championship game and cover the spread.

Seattle 27 Washington 14

New England (+3) @ Denver

Tom: I’m of a split mind about New England. On one hand, Tom Brady is a Michigan grad, Belicheck’s pop coached at the Naval Academy, their lineman are very comfortable on camera and I just damn respect the way the team plays. On the other hand, I’m sick of Brady’s omnipresence, that stupid Diet Pepsi Machine and Boston area fans. This game is really a toss up. I hate to do this, but I’ll take the points. Prove me wrong Jake, prove me wrong!

New England 24, Denver 23

Sheets: Can Tom Brady's magical playoff run continue. Most seem to think so, despite the Patriots going into Mile High. I don't think the home field will play too much of an advantage for the Broncos, as the Patriots have seen it all. The play of Jake Plummer will be the key to this game. I'm pretty sure it's the first meaningful game of his career since his Rose Bowl defeat to Ohio State in 1997. Look for him to be able to put some points on the board, but make a couple big mistakes that doom the Broncos in the end.

Patriots 27 Denver 21

Sunday’s Games:
Pittsburgh (+9.5) @ Indy

Tom: Indianapolis is still good. Pittsburgh is still not as good as Indy. That makes the choice fairly obvious to me. The only thing that could sway me is the fact that my friend Matt colored in a Santa Pez dispenser’s beard black, and it now looks like Franco Harris. But really, it just looks like an evil Santa. I guess an evil Santa would look like Franco Harris though. The point it moot.

Indy 31, Pittsburgh 13

Sheets: I think I am a closet Steelers fan. I always just kind of hope they win, but I never really talk about them much. Some may find it hard to root for them in this game, however, because of the whole Tony Dungy thing. The guy is a great coach, and I would love to see him get a championship some day. I attribute Mike Edwards to my closet Steeler rooting and I guess I really do hope they can spring the upset. They need to dodge the early bullets that they didn't dodge in the Monday night affair they had earlier in the season. Obviously the Steelers can ill afford to get in a shootout with the Colts. I think the Steeler defense will be ready and do as much as possible to slow down Indy, but it just won't be enough.

Colts 31 Steelers 23
Carolina (+3) @ Chicago

Tom: I don’t trust either of these teams. Carolina is too streaky. I’m fairly certain Chicago just sucks. I mean, I’m pretty sure of this. Almost positive. I get all sorts of NFC North games living in southeastern Michigan. Not a very good division. This game comes down to Carolina. Carolina wins the game or loses it. Chicago is just along for the ride.

Carolina 24, Chicago 9

Sheets: The Panthers come in hot off their thrashing of Tom's New York football Giants meanwhile the Bears off a bye week and a meaningless game at the end of the regular season. These teams are almost identical on paper. Great defenses, one big play receiver (Steve Smith and Mushin Muhammed) and two capable, above average running backs. The difference lies in the Quarterbacks. While some say that Rex Grossman gives the Bears a boost at Quarterback, it's hard to believe he is going to find things easy against this Carolina defense. This game will come down to which team can make more big plays. With an experienced Jake Delhomme at quarterback, I believe the answer is the Panthers.

Carolina 17 Chicago 13

This totally makes up for the AlamoBowl

2006-01-13T11:24:00.000-05:00

From the Roscoe! Report's headquarters in Southeastern Michigan, we've had some bad experiences in San Antonio.

*FLASHBACK*
He's not down yet....pitch it to Breaston...that has to be too many men...damn SunBelt Conference!....why didn't he pitch it to Breaston...

We blacked out there for a second.

But yeah, this makes us feel better. Take that Alamo. You suck. You don't even have a basement.

We're back!

2006-01-13T10:45:00.000-05:00

This was the third planned "Triumphant Return" of the Roscoe Report. This one we're actually implementing. My TiVo is set up, as are my classes. Everything is aligned. We'll be tweaking it slightly, which means I won't just be talking about the Pistons. Mostly because I'm too scatterbrained to stay on topic for too long.

TV, you did this to me!

Blankman!

2005-12-15T13:16:00.000-05:00

Last night Chauncey had 28 and 19, Rip scored 36 and we had a classic Ben 17 boards, 4 steals, 5 blocks stat line; however, the big story out of the game was Ben Wallace's goggles.

From the Detroit News:

Goggled Wallace sees way past Kings
'Magic glasses' give center the 'energy' for a 17-rebound, five-block, four-steal extravaganza.

From the Detroit Free Press' Pistons Corner:

Ben Wallace boggles in red goggles.

But by far the best quote came from the man of the night, Chauncey Billups.

He looked like Blankman.

In other news, Chauncey Billups is the best point guard in the NBA. Better than Nash, Parker, J. Kidd, Baron Davis. Better than all of them. Chauncey isn't even a true point and he's the best in the league.

Memory Loss

2005-12-13T14:31:00.000-05:00

-Krista Latham suggests we forget the debacle in Utah. I completely agree. But it is always nice to see Memo again, even if he is helping to defeat the Pistons. Such fond Memo-ries. (Lame, I know, but I can't help myself when it comes to Okur.) He's lovable. This all being said, here's some other things for you to forget once you read them.

-AK47 tore us up. He's probably the best basketball player who looks remarkably like Ivan Drago.

-Carlos Boozer needs to save austistic puppies at this point to redeem himself karma wise.

Now that we've forgotten everything above, let's look back at the big picture. 15-3 after 18 games is pretty damn good. (I realize I have probably said this after every loss, and I will continue to say it after losses. So long as they continue to come at the current rate.) I also realize the West isn't what it used to be, but travelling to the opposite coast this often early in the year is really tough. It could have been disasterous if the Pistons did not come out of this looking strong. We all are firm believers in Flip Saunders at this point, and that was the question mark coming into this season. (Besides Darko, man has he regressed since showing Mutumbo up.)
We should also note the state of the three teams who were supposed to be better than our beloved Stones this year. The Pacers best player (Yes, Ron Artest is their best player.) wants out. The Pacers appear like their going to acquiesce to his request. There is no way their team gets better talent wise, even Peja is a definite drop off. And as we've seen from the Iggles, losing the distraction doesn't make up for losing the talent.
The Heat pulled a Lakers circa 2003 in the offseason, aquiring older talent that doesn't fit the teams needs for role players. Now Pornstache Stan is gone. (Stan Van Gundy is even a pretty good porn name.) I don't know if Pat Riley is the answer for this teams troubles though. Either way, this team is not as dominant as they were expected to be.
The Spurs are still very good. They will continue to be very good. They're one of the best run franchises in all of sports. They did lose to the Hawks, though. (Which I actually had to double check.) Christmas day might just be one game, but it will be interesting to see. (Also, ABC realizes that no one cares about Shaq and Kobe anymore, right? I mean, we know Shaq's not going to coldcock him, is Miami-LA really still a Christmas day matchup?) I want to see how the Flip led Pistons stack up against Timmy and co.

(Side note: I think this is my best headline yet. Get it? Memory Loss? We lost to Memo, and we should forget it. Layers upon layers in that one.)

Where the hell I've been

2005-12-13T14:23:00.000-05:00

-Not posting, thats for sure. And I really don't have any commentary about anything. I've been mostly drunk or studying. It's like we're starting fresh. Deal with it.

-As I type this, Rasheed Wallace is on Streetball wearing a Joe Montana Chiefs jersey. We still love him. That is all. I'm going to be more up to date. It's my pre new years revolution. I owe that to my readers, who don't exist.

Peace!

They're not booing, they're saying Bruce

2005-12-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

It's town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win

LB didn't "pull out of here" to win. And without a doubt, the majority of the Palace will be booing, not saying Bruce. (Or, gasp!, politely applauding.) Either way, Pound for Pound returns tonite, and I certainly have mixed emotions. This leaves Palace-goers with a question: To boo or not to boo?

On the one hand, LB led the Pistons to a NBA Championship (and almost two) in his only two years. That atleast earned him some of our collective respect, right?

On the other hand, there certainly was a sour taste left in our mouth after he left. (Or got fired, the story LB sticks too, which isn't helping his case. He forced Joe D and Billy Davidson to fire him. He got his dream job out of this. Don't be bitter Larry, we're not trying to.) He was certainly a distraction during the playoffs last year. He refused to use the bench. He screwed with Darko's head so much, we'll probably never get to see what he truly could have been. It was a good relationship, overall, but the break up was bad.
I'm personally choosing the Jennifer Aniston approach. I'm going to be the bigger man about this. If I was in attendance, I would applaud LB politely and boo the rest of the Knicks. LB gets a temporary pass. We all need to heal. (Paranthetical note: Allen Iverson is the only man who has an all time booing pass from me. I will never boo him.) GQ's man of the year, you're quite the example.

Note: I can't believe I went through this LB post without this picture, so here it is. I had always secretly hoped that he would wear this sweater when the Pistons wore their thunderbolt throwbacks. Sadly, it was not to be.

Pistons Blast Nuggets, Camby still yet to receive stipend

2005-11-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

I would first like to point out that I am a guest writer for the usual contributor to this blog so don't expect great things like you normally would.

Last night, I was very fortunate to be able to attend the Nuggets Pistons game at the Palace. Despite trecherous weather conditions, we were able to make it to the game in about 2 hours 45 minutes when normally it is just over an hour drive.

There were many highlights throughout the night, here are just a few-

1.) Me buying a Chauncey Billups jersey- this was a hard decision. I knew I was going to buy a jersey, but I couldn't decide who. Of course, I thought about 'Sheed, but then I figured if I bought the Sheed jersey, when I wore it I would have to say "Ball don't lie," and "Don't leave me," more than I already do, so that wasn't an option. Next I thought about Tayshaun, but I already own a tay tay t-shirt, so that was out. Then there is always Ben, but it seems like all the Piston bandwagon fans own this, so I opted out there. Rip you ask? No, I just need someone with a little more flash, even though I love Rip. Who is left? That's right, Mr. Big shot himself. Still seems like he doesn't get the credit he deserves around the league. Will it change with this years all star game ballot? I doubt it, but we'll see

2.) The ginger sitting in front of us- So midway through the first quarter during a tv timeout, the cheeeleaders/ event squad threw shirts into the crowd. Just so happens a couple of clowns sitting in front of us caught one. He leaned over the seat in front of him to catch it. We had a couple of guys from our suite that made an attempt at getting the shirt. Anyway, after catching it, the ginger turned around and pounded his chest and shouted "Me!!" at the couple of guys from our seats. This douche also had a sign that said "Catch 22." A clever sign in reference to Tayshaun. NOT! Moral of the story? In order to get on TV, your sign is going to have to be a whole helluva lot better than that. You also have the whole red hair thing going against you

3.) The suite we had the luxury of sitting in- Honestly, nothing beats the game experience from a suite. You still are mixed with other fans on either side of you in other suites, plus the normal seats above and below you. The biggest luxury of the suite though is the space. It is easy to move around, go to the bathroom, talk with everyone you went to the game with, something you just can't do in regular seats.

4.) Marcus Camby not getting his stipend- Camby was reportedly seen before the game, not dressed by new NBA dress code standards. When asked why not, he claimed he still had not received the stipend to pay for his dress attire. I guess your 7.5 million dollars a year isn't enough money to pay for a new suit or two Marcus? I'm sorry but it's idiots like this that kill professional sports image. While there are a lot of self-centered (understatement?) people like Camby out there, there are also great professionals that we never hear about. Unfortunately we are left to hear about athletes like Marcus. By the way, nice mug shot link.

5.) Most Importantly, the Pistons rebound win after the big loss @ Dallas- They flat out dominated the game from the get go. While both teams got off to a slow start, it was evident from the beginning the Pistons were the team with all the energy. While both teams struggled early, The Nuggets problem came from stingy Pistons D and poor shot selection, while the Pistons struggles came from the inability to finish. By the end of the 1st quarter through they had scored 28 points and led by 5. It seemed like they shot the ball poorly in the first quarter, yet still scored 28 points. This is where the difference lies with Flip and Larry. Last year for the Pistons to score more than 24-25 points in a quarter they would have to shoot some gaudy, not gado, number from the field. In this quarter, they shot just below 50%, which is by no means bad, and still scored 28. This is because they are getting more possesions from the style of play they have adopted. They are taking the first good shot they get, yet still being patient. They are looking to run constantly, which is also leading to more easy buckets/ more possesions.

After the 1st quarter the game was never in doubt as they took a 19 point lead into half time and ended up winning by 25. Rip led the team in scoring with 19, notably however, all starters were in double figures and Ben Wallace was 7-8 from the charity stripe. Mo Evans and McDyess rounding out the double digit scoring column with 16 and 11 respectively.

Darko finished with 1 point, going 1-4 from the line. He had 3 rejections though on defense, after I failed to take a bet saying Darko would get more than 2 blocks.

That's all for now, be back soon

Rasheed Wallace, mentor

2005-11-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

From the Detroit News online, the requisite Rookie adjustment story for a slow Pistons newsday.The most exciting thing is that Rasheed Wallace is taking them under his wing.

Wallace has adopted the rookies as a special project, keeping a close eye on their every move.

This is good news.

(Also, check out the captions on the pictures that go down the right side of the Detnews.com article. Hilarious. My favorite is Alex Acker's.)

We have some good news, and some bad news

2005-11-21T14:06:00.000-05:00

-Any sort of article that begins "Look at the bright side" probably won't spend the rest of the article looking at the bright side. Freep.com

-The Detroit News says about the same thing, but is guilty of burying the lead. Our favorite mouthpiece, and this blog's namesake, has a potent quotation at the bottom of the page.

"I'm telling you, Darko is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there (in Serbia-Montenegro). He can go psycho on guys."

This all stems from the Darko-Mutumbo run-in from Friday's game against the rockets. Darko was playing rough with Dikembe. (Which is, in itself, a good sign. Remember, back in the draft, Darko's mean streak was supposed to separate him from other Euros.) Dikembe took offense, got in Darko's face and did some now trademarked finger wagging. Dikembe threw in some jawing to boot. Dikembe got T'd up and Darko flashed a sly, knowing smile. He then went on to throw back a shot from Dikembe and one from T-Mac.

That, my friend, is the definition of ganster.

(Paranthetical note: I think one reason Darko remained so cool and collected through all of this because there's no way he had any idea what Dikembe was saying.)

Time to turn on Flip

2005-11-20T11:51:00.000-05:00

-Ugh, that was ugly. Despite our biggest hopes, 82-0 was highly unlikely. In the big scheme of things, starting 8-1 with most of the games being out West is a very good start. Still...ugh.

Someone explains it, and we're pretty sure you all still don't get it

2005-11-19T20:57:00.000-05:00

-USC Professor and "D" native Todd Boyd explains the psychology of Detroit Piston fans better than anyone ever could hope to.

Say what you will about Detroit. At this point, you can't say
anything worse than what's already been said. We stopped paying attention
a long time ago, anyway.

Everytime someone says something derogatory about Detroit, we take it in stride. But it's not just a brush off, we don't ignore it. It's noted mentally and we have another example of people who don't get it, will never get it, and we're pretty sure we don't want them to get it. It creates a reluctant pride. Not so much of pride in the city; we know Detroit has its problems. Boyd explains it much better than I could. It had always been inexplicable to me, but not for Boyd.

But it's true. Detroit has an "us against the world" mentality because the world is, more or less, against Detroit. That's why we love the Pistons, they think like we think. After the 2004 NBA Championship, people didn't talk about the Pistons winning, they talked about the Lakers losing. Coming into this season, everyone was talking about the Heat and Pacers. The Pistons just keep winning. We don't listen to the haters (John Saunders) anymore, but we certainly hear them.

Keep in mind, I'm not from Detroit, I'm from outside Detroit. It's an important difference which he acknowledges, but doesn't go into too much detail. (It's not the subject of the piece, I don't blame him.)

There is a huge difference between Detroit and its suburbs, making this one of
the most segregated cities in the country. The Pistons are where the city
and the 'burbs come together, though, where blue-collar whiteness links up with
the urban streets. That collaboration is a lethal combination -- just ask the
Indiana Pacers.

Boyd's right about that too, but I think there's more too it. Us suburb dwellers live on both sides of the Detroit issue. We make the same jokes about Detroit that everyone else does. We don't go into the city unless we have to. But when someone from outside Michigan badmouths Detroit, we defend it mercilessly, or at least say "you don't get it."
But we trully don't get it either. Or at least, we haven't earned any right to get it. We've adopted the same mentality, though. And for all our differences, for all the segregation, for all the whispers and fears of suburbans about Detroit there is one thing. The Pistons.
We're all Pistons fans when we're in the Palace though. We all listen to George Blaha's incessant homerism. We all take offense when the world forgets that the best basketball is the planet is played by our new bad boys. That's the unifying principle. It might be the only subject where the 'Burbs and the D are of the same mind.
I know that seems like thats a lot of influence and a lot of responsibility for a basketball team to have, but it's true.
Maybe you just don't get it.

Happy Anniversary

2005-11-18T14:11:00.000-05:00

-Well, it's been a year (Tomorrow). John Saunders still blames you for the whole thing. Yes, you.

-ESPN.com has a nice little anniversary celebration. It includes an article that you can get, if you pay for it. Plus, they have the interviews they had on Outside the Lines a couple nights ago and put them on the web. This is actually some pretty interesting stuff, just because it's some of the minor combatants. Included are local newsman Bernie Smilovitz, Rick Mahorn, and the guy that Jermaine O'Neal would have killed if Jermaine hadn't slipped.
Scoop Jackson writes something nonsensical about Ron Artest, and there's a photo gallery which does little other than give us a picture of Ben Wallace's brother, David. He's terrifyingly huge.

-Pistons @ Houston on ESPN tonite. Wonder what Saunders and co. are going to say.

7th Heaven

2005-11-16T13:55:00.000-05:00

-In entertainment news, 7th Heaven was cancelled. I was unaware that they ever made new episodes of that show. But since I was in dire need of something vaguely clever to say, this is my choice for headline. Could I have come up with something more creative? Certainly. I don't care though. Also, Jessica Biel.

-'Sheed said the Piston first half was the worst half of basketball he's seen the Pistons play since he got there. While this may be a bit of hyperbole, it's not that far off. That first half was ugly. The third quarter wasn't great, but it did have some classic Chauncey moments. (I've never been Chauncey's biggest fan, or that is, I love pure point guards. Chauncey is not a pure point guard. But Chauncey is the ONLY guy on this team that will just take over games. Rip can be a quiet killer and you'll turn away and he'll somehow have 30 on you. 'Sheed can get hot and start ripping threes. (Don't ever leave him!) Tayshaun can go on his runs and school LBJ out of his shoes. Ben can dunk uncontested put backs. But Chauncey is the only one who can force the issue. When things aren't going right offensively, Chauncey can make things go right. That's the Chauncey difference, and that's why it's better that he's not a pure point guard.) Chauncey kept them close enough so they could make a crushing run in the 4th.
While this game wasn't pretty by any means, a win is a win. Especially since this was basically a home game in a road trip. (11 of the Pistons first 15 games are on the road) and the Stones are heading South for a couple games now.

-Daily Dime has more Flip love, plus a picture of Rip Hamilton getting hit in the face. My only question is, does Rip get hit in the face more because he wears the mask or does he wear the mask because he gets hit in the face more?

-Simmons talks about good ole LB. (I refuse to have hard feelings about him, we knew what we were getting into. My cousins from Philly warned me) Plus, he talks about his sympathy for the Knicks and their fans and gets a good amount of Zeke bashing in.

(Little Roscoe Report confession: when I moved to the Michigan, I came from New Jersey and thusly had a weird sports allegiance formation. I was grandfathered into the New York sports fandom. (Yankees, Knicks, Giants) I have lived in Michigan most of my life, though. A combination of my father's favorites (He didn't like the NBA as much, but was a diehard Giants, Yankees fan) plus a little bandwagoning (The Yankees won World Series, the Lions just plain sucked) led me to my current sports allegiances of Pistons, Yankees, and Giants. (I really don't care about hockey, but I used to say I was a Devils fan to piss off all my Red Wing friends.) I've had trouble justifying my favorites since then. This whole story is to explain I still got a little Knicks fan in me, especially the memories of Ewing and those bunny hops.

Flip Cup

2005-11-15T10:57:00.000-05:00

We are certainly not used to being the cautious ones when it comes to Pistons Basketball, but it seems like we're the only ones who realize the season is only six games old. Now the USA Today is joing in on the Flip/Pistons loving.

They realize we don't like to be liked, right?

Go ahead and keep loving on Flip though, we can't blame you. He lends himself so well to headline puns.

They're on to Us

2005-11-14T18:17:00.000-05:00

Message to ESPN.com's Power Rankings:
Cut it out.

Did you get that Memo?

2005-11-14T16:44:00.000-05:00

The wonderfully entertaining J.E. Skeets thinks the incomparable and rejuvenated (33 and 17) Mehmet Okur looks remarkably like the most patriotic of Muppets.

Sam Eagle has been compared to thick eyebrowed ballers before, back in the early days of Here's Looking at You on Page 2. (I personally think that Doherty is a better choice.) And Memo's been compared to Sex and the City actor Chris Noth by those whom we respect greatly.

All this Memo talk is really just an excuse for us to share our favorite Memo-ry. In the chaos that was the local coverage of the Pistons post-championship locker room celebration, WXYZ Detroit gave us a candid interview with Memo. At the time, it was expected that he would be leaving after the season, but Memo's fate was still very up in the air. He had seen his minutes significantly reduced with the addition of Rasheed and LB. When asked if his decline in PT would influence his decision, Memo garbled that he didn't "care if he played no minutes or tournaments."
We're pretty sure that he meant to say "ton of minutes," but he didn't. Also, Memo wasn't holding a bottle of champagne, but a can of beer. We miss that guy.

Bonus Memo action: If you weren't aware, he's married to a former Miss Turkey.

Flip Saunders, Anti-LB

2005-11-14T14:28:00.000-05:00

It's getting silly how much Flip is trying to endear himself to us Darko-philes and distance himself from Larry Brown now. I've been (more than) pleased by the amount of playing time the bench has seen so far this year. Even so, Flip wants to use his bench players more. Not only that, he feels bad that the bench guys haven't played more.

The toughest thing for me is these guys all practice hard and give me everything I ask of them, and you want to reward them and the way you reward them is by giving them an opportunity to play.

Now we've seen Flip's softer side, I think we officially have crushes on him, Notre Dame - Weis style.

Weekend Wrap-Up

2005-11-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

-The win over the Blazers on friday was not particularly impressive to watch, but as I said throughout the West Coast Swing, a winning on the road isn't often pretty. 'Sheed was clutch again. (Don't ever leave him!) Chauncey did his normal carrying the team through rough stretches. Nothing really out of the ordinary from the Pistons.

-One notably entertaining development, Juan Dixon got some significant PT down the stretch. One could only hope to have Steve Blake see the floor for the Blazers too. Also, it was good to see that Zach Randolph had no idea what was going on going into the last shot.

-The Pistons are currently on pace to go 82-0. Just letting you know.

NBA "Preview" Pacific Division

2005-11-11T18:12:00.000-05:00

Golden State Warriors - Good lord, Mike Dunleavy.

Los Angeles Clippers - Good lord, Mike Dunleavy.

Los Angeles Lakers - Just like Sean Connery on Celebrity Jeopardy, we choose the Rapist.

Phoenix Suns - We love how the MP3 plays. However, he has two strikes against him. One, he's Canadien. Two, we think he got beat up before.

Sacramento Kings - Their jumbotron guys get serious consideration. The Maloof brothers maybe, but we desperately want to be their friends. We go with the underdog Big White Stiff, Luke Schensher. Mostly because he has a posse.

Pistons Player Spotlight

2005-11-11T17:54:00.000-05:00

Carlos Arroyo

The little Puerto Rican who played the "game of his life" in the Olympics and got ran out of Salt Lake by Jerry Sloan. He was an interesting addition to the Pistons last year.

He's one of those never-stops-moving points guards who makes some fairly amazing plays, but will also overreach and have some pretty bad turnovers. He was in LB's doghouse most of last year, right after leaving Sloan's doghouse.

He seems genuinely involved in the game when he's on the bench, often the first to great players coming to the bench for a stoppage in play. He's also seen time when the Pistons go with three guards. The 3-guarded Pistons made a brief debut last year in the 76ers 1st round series. (Him, Chauncey and Rip) This year the Pistons 3 guarded attack is their 4th most often used 5 man roster with him, Mo Evans and Rip. He's a nice change of pace guy off the bench. Especially considering for a time he seemed like the heir to the throne of John Stockton in Utah, when he ran circles around the Americans after a solid year at point for the Jazz. That all went to hell, but he's been salvaged in the D.

Lovefest Begins

2005-11-11T15:52:00.000-05:00

-Suprising amount of Piston-love on ESPN.com today. Shanoff does his normal knee jerk reaction. The Daily Dime has a nice piece and still manages to not go overboard, remembering that they're only five games into the season. There's also an Insider article about Flip, who's become instantly lovable round here.

He's so cute.

-Not to be forgotten, the actual game was quite the doozie. Our favorite homeless looking, headphoned power forward hit a huge three, Rip hit a jumpshot off a screen (shock!) and Mr. Big Shot himself had a huge three that was part of his 27 points. The Pistons outscored the Suns 37-22 in the 4th.

-Pistons got another late game on their west coast swing tonite in Portland. It's aired on ESPN, so expect Saunders and company to say somethign disparaging about the D, and also expect me to mock them as I watch from the comfort of my own home. Take that, on-screen personalities!

Sabbatical Wrap-up (Or why I don't like Michael Wilbon)

2005-11-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

-Sorry for the delay, folks, but I had a bout with migraine headaches. I'm rested, medicated and ready to get back to talking to myself about the Pistons.

-We'll skip right to the Sacramento game, which is important for a number of reasons. Firstly, winning in Arco is an accomplishment, even against this shell of the former Kings. Secondly, the only news from this game was about the Kings jumbotron shenanigans. I'm so used to people bashing Detroit I'm not sure this is even news. (Michael Wilbon half-condemned it, but Tony K called him out on his previous "I'd rather go to Beirut than Detroit" comment. He also thought it was a bad idea to get Detroit riled up because of our history of violence.) Just wait till the Super Bowl. Judging by how much the writers bitched about Jacksonville, I'm pretty sure they won't be pleased to be at the D.
This whole thing cements the Pistons as underdogs once again, even though they have won back to back Eastern Conference Championships and look better in these first 4 games than they did during the 2003-04 title run. (More Wilbon: On PTI, they were talking about the Heat's inability to beat the Pacers, which apparently is a concern for who is going to be the East's runner up. Tony K atleast threw out the obligatory D-Town mention.) (More Wilbon: He apparently has never seen the Godfather. This, plus the fact he has never seen Seinfeld, pretty much makes us mortal enemies.)

-We'll be back at full speed tomorrow, with a recap of the Pistons-Suns game and another NBA division "preview." Plus, a new feature this weekend, Pistons player spotlight.

Rip City in the BTB

2005-11-05T13:02:00.000-05:00

Because of an excursion to East Lansing this weekend, I found myself watching the 4th quarter at Michigan State's Big Ten Burrito. (My burrito was good, but it was filling.) After Mark Blount (pronounced Blunt now, apparently) put the Celts up 1 with .8 seconds remaining, some of my group wanted to leave, which would have been a big mistake. Rip Hamilton came off a screen, recieved the inbounds from Tay Tay and hit his now patented mid range jumper. There's nothing more fun than high fiving a bunch of strangers who are also incapsulated in the wave of joy that only sports can bring to a normally completely unrelated group of people.
Mass euphoria is fun.

NBA "Preview" Northwest Division

2005-11-03T12:46:00.000-05:00

This is a continuation of our NBA "Preview" where we at the Roscoe Report tell you who'd we fight in the likely case another brawl starts at the Palace. It's always good to be prepared.

Denver Nuggets - Earl Boykins is probably our best chance to actually win one of these, but we have so many memories of him at Eastern Michigan, back when they used to call him Earl "The Squirrel" and he hit turnaround midcourt jumpers like he practiced them, that we couldn't possibly do any harm to that lovable scamp. We'd most likely circle Voshon Lenard until he got tired, then we'd just push him over.

Minnesota Timberwolves - There's so many white guys on this team, it's hard to choose. There's always BWS Nikoloz Tskitishvili, but he's been working out. Does Mark Madsen still have a mouth guard? We're going to assume so and that influences our decision. We choose the injury prone pretty boy, Wally World.

Portland Trailblazers - Goofy looking white guard? Yes sir! Steve Blake is the choice.

Seattle Supersonics - We think we could do a better job than Kobe Bryant in this fight. We're coming for you, Ray Allen.

Utah Jazz - We hate Carlos Boozer as much as everyone else.

Pistons 108, 76ers 88

2005-11-03T11:10:00.000-05:00

Roscoe! Watch: 19 min. 6 points, 4 fouls, 2 blocks, 1 steal

I watched a good part of this game with my dad, which meant we spent a good part of the game gushing over our favorite non-Piston (by far) Allen Iverson. I still find it remarkable that my dad is so fond of someone who so disdains practice.

Anyways, the most important thing I took out of this was the bench. I hadn't seen much beyond the starting 5 (plus McDyess) in a long time. Maurice Evans and Carlos Arroyo both played 15+ minutes and were quite effective. (Arroyo had a 8 assists to 1 turnover.) With 'Sheed in foul trouble, the front court got some different faces in there as well. McDyess doesn't count as a bench player (especially since he had more minutes than 'Sheed), but Darko played in the second (2nd!) quarter and only looked slightly lost. He had some nice help defense at points, even picking up a steal.

It didn't really matter how the bench played as much as it mattered that Flip went to the bench early and often. There's no way this team doesn't make the playoffs, and it's important that Flip keep the starting five (plus McDyess) fresh. Last year even Big Ben was complaining that the regular season wore them out. And not to look too far ahead, but the Pistons can win on anyones court in the playoffs, so even if the Pacers knock them down to the 4 seed in the East by winning the Central, I wouldn't be upset, so long that the starting five (plus McDyess) are ready come playoff time.

[Sidenote: All this bench talk didn't allow me to speak too much of those 6, they all played really well, nothing unexpected. Everyone did their job.]

I watched the games on ESPN when they're shown nationally (on the WB when they're not) because I like to gauge if the national media even know (or acknowledge) that the Pistons are still the 2 time defending Eastern Conference Champions. (During the Heat lovefest that was known as the preseason, only TrueHoop gave the Pistons any respect.) Add Greg Anthony to the list with his knee-jerk reaction. I just have the suspicious feeling that they drew straws and the loser had to say something nice about our beloved 'Stones.

I also like to watch the ESPN telecast to remind myself of the day that John Saunders lost any semblance of journalistic integrity when he blamed the Pistons fans for the brawl and lauded Ron Artest for "self control." I don't hold as much of a grudge against the talking heads, especially Stephen A., who is paid to be the stereotypical ABM. They're all supposed to be inflammatory. John Saunders is supposed to be the ringleader, keeping everything in perspective. Instead he just piled on.

A great start to the season, and Flip getting 108 out of the boys in the first game is certainly commendable. Also, I'm not sure if you caught this earlier, but Darko played in the 2nd quarter.

NBA "Preview"

2005-11-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

Sure, the NBA has already technically started. That doesn't stop the Roscoe Report from bringing you our special NBA preview.

The Player (or Personnel) We'd Fight in the Case of a Brawl.

We took several factors into account, including but not limited to:
-The chances of us actually winning the fight
-The boost to the Pistons if said player were suspended/hurt
-If we just plain don't like them

That being said, we begin out West

Southwest Division:
Dallas Mavericks - So many choices here. We would go with Cuban, but it's unlikely he'd be at the Palace. Plus we find him oddly intriguing, so we wouldn't fight him anyway. Doug Christie is another obvious choice, but Mrs. Christie would get involved and in most circumstances, it is never a good idea to fight someone crazy. That leaves us with the all-too-common fallback on this list, the big white stiff. We select Dallas' BWS: Pavel Podkolzin.

Houston Rockets - As long as Jeff Van Gundy clings to someones leg, we'll be happy. That being said, we're probably going after T-Mac. We plain don't like him. Plus, we think his lazy eye might affect his peripheral vision, allowing us the element of suprise.

Memphis Grizzlies - Ugh. Shane Battier? Jake Tsakalidis? Who cares? We're reluctantly going with Eddie Jones because brawls are 4th quarter events and we're fairly certain he'd run away.

NO/OC Hornets - Arvydas Macijauskas might be the one, just because we loved Arvydas Sabonis so much. But in all reality, we'll sit this one out.

San Antonio Spurs - We love Timmy too much to go after him. Tony Parker has that whole French thing against him, but I just feel like there's more hateable Frenchmen out there. We refuse to acknowledge Robert Horry of being worthy of our fists of fury. Manu Ginobili gets the call because he's fairly to moderately pure evil. We have a second, more lucrative plan but it involves kidnapping and plane tickets to Argentina and it would take a lot more planning.

Welcome...

2005-11-01T18:21:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Roscoe Report.

Named for our favorite championship catalyst, the Roscoe Report will atleast attempt cover the Pistons or more likely my nonsensical comments about them. Other things will probably find their way in, just not on purpose. (Probably a lot of paranthetical phrases...and elipses.)

Either way, here's just a reminder of the ultimate goal this year.